Pediatric Oncology...It's all about the love.

Every time someone asks me what I want to do with my nursing career, I respond in the same way. “I want to work as a pediatric oncology nurse. I want to work with kids with cancer.” And every time I get the same response. “Wow. I could never do that. That’s going to be so hard!”

I have never once doubted that this field is going to be mentally and emotionally draining. But I’ve had a philosophy for a while, and I finally found a quote to back it. It says, “You cannot save people. You can just love them.”

This quote rings true in every single aspect of life, but especially in pediatric oncology. I may not be able to cure cancer or stop their health from getting worse. But I can love them and care for them through it all. I can’t go into work with the attitude that I can “fix” people, because I can’t. But I can make them smile and laugh. I can talk to them about their feelings and ask them about their interests. If I can make what time they do have left better, then I can be okay with that. These children have a team of doctors coming up with treatment plans for the future, and that is great. But these children don’t always have a tomorrow. They have a right now. And that’s my job- to make their right now happier.

So yes, it is going to be hard, and there are going to be days where I’m worn down by the sadness of it all. But to see a child who is fighting the battle of a lifetime crack a smile…that’s what makes it all worth it.

 

First Clinical Day

Today was my first day of clinicals, and honestly I’m nervous to say anything at all since HIPAA has been pounded into my head. I think I’m allowed to say that it went well and that I didn’t kill anyone. I woke up at 4:30am. Yes, in the morning. Did yall know that it's still completely dark outside at that time? Ya know why? Cause it's the middle of the night! But anyways, today was pretty basic. We got oriented to the floor and the staff, and did physical assessments on a few patients. It was actually kind of cool to see tubes and drains and suction and wounds. I thought it would completely gross me out, and honestly at some point, I know there will be something that will make me gag or want to die. But for today, no dry heaving for me! Yay! (it’s the little things, really). As our clinical instructor was giving us a tour of the unit and showing us all the supplies, she kept saying “this is a blah blah tube, and you’ll use this for…and you’ll clean it like this…and if this happens, you do this…and if you have a patient with this, make sure you do this…and remember when giving these meds to do this…and don’t forget to always do this…” Now, granted, we are all NA's and have some basic skills and knowledge, we are currently on our first chapter of our first semester in nursing school. We are learning head to toe physical assessments. So as our instructor is telling us every possible situation that might occur for the next 2 years and what instruments and equipment to use in each circumstance, our faces are blank. At first I felt the back of my neck get hot, as my brain started to saturate. I was anxious. I was on the edge of panic. I may have looked fine on the outside, but on the inside my brain was yelling “WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? YOU DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ANYTHING. YOU CAN’T BE A NURSE! QUIT NOW!” I took a second, zoned out, and collected my thoughts. Just as I was about to leave to take a bathroom/mental break, I turned around to see the faces of my 6 other classmates. I could not have been happier with what I saw. Their faces were blank, their eyes were glossy, and they had the same look of sheer panic on their face. It was in that moment that I knew I was not alone in my fears. When we stopped for lunch we all just looked at each other, wondering what the other was thinking. Finally someone said “well that was completely overwhelming and I honestly still have no idea what I’m doing”. That honesty was all it took to burst the bubble. Suddenly all 7 of us were talking at the same time. It was then that we all realized that none of us knew what we were doing and that we all felt the same way. There is some instant bond that forms when you realize that you are not alone in your feelings. So we laughed it off, promised to help each other as much as possible, and went on with our days with a renewed sense of comfort. If I learned nothing else on my first day of clinicals, I learned that there is a power and a strength in numbers, and that it’s okay to rely on other people. Sometimes you will need them, sometimes they will need you. Nursing is a give and take, with your patients, with your coworkers, with your friends, and just in general.

 

 

The Irony of Nursing School

In nursing school we learn the importance of sleep, nutrition, exercise, and how stress affects the body. In nursing school, we set our alarms for 4:45 in the morning and get very few hours of sleep. In nursing school, we are lucky if we get 20 minutes to microwave some Ramen noodles or scarf down a power bar and a coffee. In nursing school, we get home from lecture and clinical with every intent of going for a run, but end up making anatomy flashcards instead. In nursing school we have a test every other day and are literally responsible for the life and death of other human beings. Talk about stressful. Dear Alanis Morrisette, THIS is irony.

 

Overwhelmed

I don’t deal well with anxiety. I suppose not many people do. But I really really struggle (see previous blog about Panic Disorder). And if you know me at all, or have read my blog, you know I have a big week coming up (see previous blog about my fear of planes). On Tuesday, I’m getting on a plane for the first time in 10 years and flying across the country to California. Now don’t get me wrong, I am SO excited. But still, the anticipation leading up to the trip is a little bit killer. I’ve been doing fine and not really thinking about it up until today. But it just seems like there’s so much going on right now, I can’t help but being a little a lot overwhelmed. Right now my aunt and my 2 sweet younger cousins are here. They are so much fun and seriously the most adorable children in the world, but they are exhausting. On top of that, I have my CAN state license exam in the morning (yes, on New Years Eve). I don’t know exactly where the testing facility is, or what skills I’ll have to perform, or how long I’ll be there, or what exactly to expect, and that makes me nervous. And then on Monday, I pack up and leave home and head back to Charlotte, where I will then unpack and repack for LA. Tuesday is flying day. Then a nice, hopefully relaxing, vacation in California, before we fly back the morning of the first day of classes. A slight bit of poor planning on that one? Perhaps. I don’t even know what campus my classes are on. I don’t know the classroom, the professors name, or what books I might need. Not to mention that I have 2 online classes that I don’t know how to access. So yes. Yes, I am a little bit stressed and a little bit anxious. And since I pretty much suck at compartmentalizing, I’m thinking about all of these things at the same time. So, if you don’t hear from me for a few days, don’t worry; It’s probably my brain just exploding.

The Loss of a Friend

Today I experienced a nursing school first. I found out that my first patient died. She was on hospice when I was assigned to her and was 91 years old, and we knew she wouldn’t live forever. Honestly, there were days when I’d show up for clinical half expecting her to be gone. But she was always there, with her one closed eye and crooked smile; with her constant singing of “Take It Off” and “Take Me Out to the Ball Game”; with her love of hair appointments and BINGO and hatred of her bed alarm and having to use the “hoppa”. She was a sweet and funny old lady with tons of personality in her little body. And the best part was that she was a former 2^nd grade teacher, so she was always willing to let me learn. She was patient with me as I gave my first shower, my first bedpan, my first tooth brushing, and my first bed bath. She was patient and always told me how I was doing. I will always remember her, because of her unique personality, but also because she was my first patient as a nursing student. I’m sad that she’s gone. She died last Thursday, apparently, and didn’t even make it to Christmas. I bet she loved Christmas, with all the sugary treats and presents and special activities. She may be my first patient to pass, and I know she won’t be my last, but a little part of her will always stay in my heart. Rest In Peace, friend. Thank you for being a good teacher, all the way up until the very end.

Thoughts on the elderly...

Everyone belongs to someone, and everyone has a story and a past. These are just a few of the things I have learned so far in my clinical. I’ll admit that I was less than excited when finding out I was assigned to a nursing home. The elderly population has never really been my thing; I find that I have a hard time being patient and understanding with this certain population. However, after meeting and working with my patient, it’s hard not to think of her children and grandchildren, as well as her younger days. She has a ton of pictures scattered around her room and on the walls- a few of her children, many of her grandchildren, a few of her in her younger years, and, much like my grandmother, a ton of random children and pets of people she barely knows (My grandmother had a picture of her "grandmonkey" on her fridge. It was a pet of one of the employees at my Poppy's nursing home) . Browsing through all of her pictures reminded me that she belongs to someone. She is someone’s daughter, mother, grandmother, wife, sister, aunt, and friend. She has a story. You see, me and my sweet patient are not that different. I’m hoping that with all of that in mind, I will grow in patience and respect for the elderly. After all, I would certainly hope that the nursing home employees treated my precious Poppy with respect. I know he may have been hard to deal with, and towards the end I know that he wasn’t always pleasant or good company. But he was a son, a brother, a father, a husband, and an amazing grandfather. He was not always old and dependent. He had a story, a past, and he deserved to be treated with respect, patience, and honor, just like my patient.

*me and my Poppy*

The Beginning of Classes and Hurricane Irene

Hello, hello, hello! I hope everyone has had a wonderful week! This week has been crazy and busy and unusual. First of all, I moved into my new apartment in Charlotte on Saturday. So far I love it, and I can’t wait to finish decorating and putting the finishing touches on it! Then on Wednesday I started my nursing classes. Why is it that even after 6 years of elementary school, 3 years of middle school, 4 years of high school and 4 years of college, the first day of school is still scary? Of course Tuesday night was filled with the typical pre-first day panic questions like: What should I wear? Will it be cold in my classroom? Will the teacher be nice? Will my classmates like me? Will I make friends? What should I pack for lunch? How long will it take me to get there? What if my alarm doesn’t go off on time? So after I finally turned off my brain, I got about 5 hours of sleep before waking up for my first day at 5am. You see, classstarts at 7 and I live about 35 minutes away (and I have a huge fear of being late), so my day starts at 5am! Then I had class until 3:30, got home at 4, and worked on homework until 1:30am. Which allowed me a total of 4 hours of sleep on Wednesday night. Needless to say, I was tired exhausted during class today. I have a feeling I’m going to be pretty MIA on Wednesdays and Thursdays, so I will have to make good use of my time on the other days! But overall, so far so good!
In other news, mother nature is insane. On Tuesday of this past week there was in earthquake in Virginia that could be felt all the way down here in NC. And if that wasn’t enough, my little Wilmington is now preparing for hurricane Irene! I know I should be glad that I’m safe and not there, but I can’t help but wish that I had school cancelled, or had to stock up on hurricane items, or was sitting in my house without power and with boarded up windows. There is just something about a hurricane that reminds me of childhood! I guess that’s what you get when you grow up on the coast!
I hope everyone stays safe in all this crazy weather! I’ll be back tomorrow for another Follow Friday!

Pediatric Oncology

Ever since I can remember, I have been fascinated with the St. Jude commercials! The faces of the children who looked so hopeful, yet so sick was always interesting to me. How could those children smile when they were fighting such a hard battle? I think that those children are heroes and that's why I've always found pediatric oncology interesting. However, I thought a lot of things were interesting as a child, ice skating, roller blading, tree climbing...all of those things were potential professions in my 7 year old mind. Now, as a 22 year old, I have officially signed up for classes in nursing school and am looking SO forward to working in a hospital soon. I know I have to do my rotations and who knows, maybe I will end up loving cardio or neuro. But as for now, I cannot wait to work in pediatric oncology and work with little heroes every day!

Growing older, growing up? Could it be??

Wow. Things certainly do happen fast. At this time yesterday I still had absolutely no idea what I was going to do after graduation. Yet in a matter of 12 hours, things seemed to literally just fall into place. My friend Lindsey got into grad school at UNC Charlotte and a few hours later I found out that I met the requirements for the nursing program in Charlotte. So, after talking with the head of the nursing department and with my parents it looks like I will be moving to Charlotte in August! How crazy is that?! With graduation being exactly one month from today, things are actually starting to feel real. It is weird to think that I might be moving away from Wilmington for an indefinite amount of time. I have lived 21 years of my life here. My family is here. My friends are here. I know this city like the back of my hand and I love it with all my heart. And yet I have to move on, which is not to say I won’t be back. It is just strange to be growing up and moving on, which includes moving out. So many things are running through my head. Charlotte is 5 hours away from Wilmington. Will I ever go home on the weekends? Will I go home for holidays? Will I still consider my parents house my home?
For now I am just gonna stick with the basic questions like when can I register for classes or which apartment are Linds and I gonna live in. So here it is folks, growin' older, maybe even growin' up?