You think you have forever, but you don't...

Tonight I am reminded that life is short, and we are not promised tomorrow. So many times we take days, or even moments, for granted. We rush through life at such a fast pace, eager to see what’s next. However, we often forget to soak in the here and now. We focus on the big picture, forgetting that it is made up of smaller moments. I am extremely guilty of this. In fact, this morning I found myself thinking, “I can’t wait for next month, for it to be summer”. But what about today? If I had fast forwarded through my weeks, I would miss the opportunity to go to a middle school soccer game, or have a delicious dinner with friends, or a fun weekend with girlfriends. Who knows what opportunities lie around the corner? We can’t possibly know. So we must wait. And enjoy the time that we’ve been given and make the most out of the situations we’ve been dealt. I think this post by David duChemin sums it up best:

“We think we’ve got forever and that these concerns that weigh us down are so pressing. We worry about the trivial to the neglect of the most precious thing we have: moments we’ll never see again. We talk of killing time, passing time, and getting through the week, forgetting we’re wishing away the moments that comprise our lives. We say time is money when in fact the time we have is ALL we have. Money can be borrowed, time can’t. We fear taking risks, unaware that the biggest risk we run in playing it safe is in fact living as long as we hope and never doing the things we dreamed of. And then it’s too late. We watched our favorite TV shows, we fought a losing battle with our weight, we picked up the guitar once in a while and never quite finished the french language courses we wanted to do. We managed to get a large flatscreen and new cars once in a while, but the list of things we’d have done if we could really, truly could have done anything, kept growing. And we never did them. We’re all terminal. We’ve got less time that we think. Whatever your dream is, find a way to make it happen. Your kids can come with you. Your job can wait. You can find someone to feed the cat. I know, I know, there are so many reasons we can’t and some of those reasons are valid. Life is not only short, it is also sometimes profoundly hard. But I think sometimes our reasons are in fact only excuses. If that’s the case, take stock. It’s the realization that life is short and no one is going to live my life on my behalf. And one day soon – because it’ll seem that way, I know it – my candle will burn out; I want it to burn hot and bright while it’s still lit. I want it to light fires and set others ablaze. Life is short. Live it now. And live it with all your strength and passion now. Don’t keep it in reserve against a day you might not have. While the ember is still lit, fan it to flame. Be bold about it, even if your circumstances mean all you have is to love boldly and laugh boldly. Because now is all we have, and these dreams won’t chase themselves.”

　

　

　

　

　

　

Hey Girl, Heyyy!

Usually, April Fools day is a day full of pranks and silliness; however, this was not the case one year. April 1st, 2009.  I woke up that morning and went over to my friend Amanda’s dorm to put some final touches on our bible study plan for the night. Amanda and I led a group of 5 girls every Wednesday night, and this Wednesday was to be no different. When we finished planning, I walked over to the downstairs Colonnades to have lunch with my friend Wendy. During lunch my phone rang and it was Amanda. I remember thinking that she probably just had a question about bible study planning and that would call her back later. But then she called again. And again. And so by the 4^th call, I finally answered the phone, somewhat annoyed that she wouldn’t stop calling. I could immediately tell by the tone of her voice that something was wrong, but my first thought was that it was going to be an April Fools Day prank. I very clearly remember the words that I heard next. “Brooke. I need to tell you something. Milena died. Her mom just called. She’s gone.” I couldn’t believe it. This had to have been the worst April Fools joke to ever exist. Only it wasn’t a joke. Milena Alvarez died on April 1^st, 2009 after a long battle with cancer. Milena was one of the freshman girls in the Bible study that I led. The next few hours were a blur. I know I walked back to the dorm, only to find the other girls in the Bible study all gathered around crying. I know I cried in the arms of my friends. I know I walked around campus alone, letting the shock wear off. I know me and Amanda tried to hold it together for the other girls in the Bible study. And I know I went to the vigil that night to listen to stories of how Milena impacted others lives. The world lost an amazing, sweet, hilarious, super sassy, brave fighter that day. So to honor her memory, here are some things that I learned in the short time I knew Milena:
1. Find a reason to smile, no matter what the situation.
2. No one’s life is perfect, and there’s nothing you can do about it.
3. Accept life’s challenges as they come.
4. Don’t spend too much time worrying about the future. We aren’t guaranteed a tomorrow.
5. "If we all threw our problems into a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd quickly grab ours back"
6. If you have to go pee, go pee. It’s better than peeing your pants.
7. Sympathy only gets you so far. Strength gets you farther.
8. You don’t need hair to be beautiful. A bright smile is much more gorgeous.
9. Sarcasm is an art form
10. It’s okay to not be okay. Sometime we need our friends and family.
11. People are kind and willing to step up in times of need.

I will never forget Milena’s laugh, the way she would throw her head back and laugh loudly. I will never forget her sarcasm and great sense of humor. I will never forget our bowling trips and Bible studies and how she handled herself with such strength and class, even in the face of a challenge. So Milena, Hey girl, heyyyy! You are missed. Gone, but never forgotten.

The Loss of a Friend

Today I experienced a nursing school first. I found out that my first patient died. She was on hospice when I was assigned to her and was 91 years old, and we knew she wouldn’t live forever. Honestly, there were days when I’d show up for clinical half expecting her to be gone. But she was always there, with her one closed eye and crooked smile; with her constant singing of “Take It Off” and “Take Me Out to the Ball Game”; with her love of hair appointments and BINGO and hatred of her bed alarm and having to use the “hoppa”. She was a sweet and funny old lady with tons of personality in her little body. And the best part was that she was a former 2^nd grade teacher, so she was always willing to let me learn. She was patient with me as I gave my first shower, my first bedpan, my first tooth brushing, and my first bed bath. She was patient and always told me how I was doing. I will always remember her, because of her unique personality, but also because she was my first patient as a nursing student. I’m sad that she’s gone. She died last Thursday, apparently, and didn’t even make it to Christmas. I bet she loved Christmas, with all the sugary treats and presents and special activities. She may be my first patient to pass, and I know she won’t be my last, but a little part of her will always stay in my heart. Rest In Peace, friend. Thank you for being a good teacher, all the way up until the very end.

A Year Without Bailey...

On August 10th, 2010 my family lost one of its best members. Our Bailey passed away. He has cancer and had been declining for a while, and after a few set backs, my family decided it would be most humane to let him go. We have some family friends who are vets and they agreed to come over and put him down at our house- we figured it would be less scary and more comfortable that way.
It was horrible. Saying goodbye and knowing that I wouldn't play with him in the yard, rub his belly, cuddle with him on the couch, or hear him grumbling in his sleep- that was hard. Sitting with him on the carpet in the living room and watching the vet put him down was hard. Seeing both of my parents cry hysterically when they loaded his lifeless body into the car was hard. The house never felt so quiet and empty.
I miss my Bay, and I think about him almost every day. But I'm glad he's no longer here and hurting. Sometimes you have to learn to let go, I guess!

“If it should be that I grow weak, and the pain should keep my from my sleep; then you must do what must be done, for this last battle can’t be won. You will be sad, I understand. But don’t let grief then stay your hand. For this day more than all the rest, your love for me must stand the test. We’ve had so many happy years, what is to come can hold no fears. You don’t want me to suffer so the tim...e has come, please let me go. Take me where my needs they’ll tend, but please stay with me ‘til the end, to hold me close and speak to me until my eyes no longer see. I know in time you will agree, it was a kindness done for me. Although my tail its last has waved, from pain and suffering I am saved. Please do not grieve that it was you who had this painful thing to do. We’ve been so close, we two, through the years; don’t let your heart hold any tears."