Becoming Real

“Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.'
'Does it hurt?' asked the Rabbit.
'Sometimes,' said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. 'When you are Real you don't mind being hurt.'
'Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,' he asked, 'or bit by bit?'
'It doesn't happen all at once,' said the Skin Horse. 'You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand.” 

One of my favorite passages from any book, ever, happens to be from The Velveteen Rabbit. I believe that this is such an incredible metaphor for how we are made and molded by God. In the beginning, the horse states that real is not how you are made, but rather a process that you have to go through. He explains that becoming real happens when you are truly and deeply loved and that it’s not always a pleasant experience. He even goes as far as saying that through the process of becoming real, “most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby.” I don’t know about you, but that doesn't sound too pleasant to me. And that is exactly what I am learning in this season of my life. God is working in me. It may not always be in ways that are comfortable or ideal and I often find myself questioning why God is choosing to show his love for me in ways that often make me feel broken. But I am realizing that I would rather “become real” and allow God to shape and mold me into the person He has created me to be, because all of the hardships and brokenness are just proof that God is working in me and is loving me throughout the process. So as hard as it may be, I would rather be worn down and broken and deeply loved than to be left in “perfect” condition, all alone.

"______ Brooke"

Growing up, you are given labels by adults and people around you. As a child, you accept these labels and move on with your life. It’s not until you are older that you realize the weight these labels may have carried. When you’re a particularly small person growing up, your size is always pointed out to you, so much that sometimes your name actually becomes “little Brooke”. That one defining characteristic becomes just as much an identity as your name. And there is a strange (usually self directed) pressure to fit into that label for as long as possible. Now this is not to say I didn’t love my “label” growing up; In fact, I still smile when my friends start an e-mail with “Dear little Brooke...” It made me feel special. I felt/feel like it was a part of who I was. But as you grow up, your body changes and you become less “little”. So now what? Now who are you? You are now “just Brooke”, and that can be terrifying. So you have a few choices. You can try to find another way to identify yourself. You can do some self discovery. But that can also be pretty terrifying, and if you have minimal self-esteem, it’s pretty hard to fill in that blank. I’m not the best at anything. I’m not “smart Brooke” or “athletic Brooke” or “popular Brooke” or any of those things. And that’s okay, because I never have been. But I have been the best at being “little”. So as humans, we tend to stick with the familiar and what we know we're good at. So you strive to go back to being “little Brooke” or “_____ (your name here)”. And if that doesn’t work, you fall into the trap of letting society label you. And you get angry and frustrated and you cry and cry, because no matter how hard you try, you can’t go back. And then it hits you like a bug on a windshield. This is what growing up is all about. It’s about redefining yourself and finding out who you really are, aside from the labels other people have given you. Much like ripping off a bandaid, it can hurt trying to remove old labels. And in that time when you are no longer “little Brooke”, but have also not quite found a new way to define yourself, you feel vulnerable, label-less, and naked. But what I am learning is that it’s actually (and surprisingly) okay to be “just Brooke” or “just (whoeveryouare)”. I’m learning to accept that my friends didn’t love me because I was “little”; they loved me because I was/am Brooke. And that in itself is amazing and beautiful and confusing and scary all at the same time.

 

10 Reasons why being a twenty-something is sometimes not the absolute worst!

I complain too much.
So here's a list of 10 reasons why being a twenty-something is sometimes not the absolute worst:

1. You set your own bedtime. For better or worse, you ultimately make that decision

2. You choose your own dinner. Again, this could be for better or worse. Example: Yesterday I had a yogurt and 4 chocolate chip cookies for dinner.

3. You can eat dinner on the couch, or the floor, or in your bed, or standing at the kitchen counter. In our apartment, whenever we order pizza, we have a habit of eating on the living room floor.

4. You can talk about inappropriate things without being scolded. Example: tonight there were 3 of us girls eating at the dinner table, when the dinner conversation turned into looking at nudies of Heather Morris. It happens.

5. You can watch shows like Pretty Little Liars and Celebrity Wife Swap with only a minimal amount of shame.

6. You still have relatively good fashion sense (even though you can’t afford anything). You've (hopefully) progressed past skanky, slutty, teenage trends, and have not yet hit mom-jeans and turtlenecks. You're right in the middle, with cardigans, blazers, and skinny jeans.

7. You can still be spontaneous without being considered irresponsible

8. You can blast your music as loud as you want and have dance parties by yourself, because I’m pretty sure that is the defining characteristic of being 23.

9. You probably hate your body, but it’s actually probably the hottest you’ll ever be. (booooo)

10. You can be as big or as little as you want in the world. You can blend in or you can stand out. You can follow happily, or you could lead boldly. You have some good life experience behind you and a lot of life lessons ahead of you.

 

All By Myself

In elementary school you make new best friends practically every day. You make new friends throughout middle school, and solidify friendships in high school. Then you pack up and leave for college, where everyone is on their own for the first time, and everyone is scared to some degree. This leads to instant bonding. Plus when you live in the dorms, you tend to get very close very fast. So for the first 21 years of your life, making friends is pretty much built in. And then you graduate. And you move to a new city. And everyone already has their friends from college, or high school, or church, or home. And you have TV. And a 10 pound weight gain. And a self esteem that’s plummeting faster than the sinking Titanic. You have a lot of things, actually. Like student loans up to your ears, parents with more exciting social schedules than you, and an increasingly loud biological clock. One thing you do not have is friends. You may have acquaintances who you work with or have class with. But you don’t have friends who you can call up on Friday night when you feel like staying in and watching a movie; or friends that you can show up at their house at random hours to vent about life. Example: last weekend my roommate was out of town. From the time I left class on Friday to the time she got home on Sunday night, I literally did not have contact with another human being. I did not open my mouth to speak words. No one called me. I didn’t have anyone to call. When you’re constantly hearing that your 20’s are the time of your life, and seeing your friends posting fun pictures all over the internet, and you’re sitting in your pajamas watching reruns of the Brady Bunch and blasting “All By Myself”…your ego tends to take a major hit. Lesson is, it’s really freaking hard to make friends as you get older because everyone already has friends. So if you are stupid brave enough to move to a new city, bring someone with you. Travel in pairs. Noah’s ark had it absolutely correct. Cause it tends to get lonely out there for a new grad.

Stayed tuned for my next post entitled "It snowed and I cried: A look into my Saturdays alone."

                                 Celine gets me, she really does...

Twenty Three

“Sometimes you’re 23 and standing in the kitchen of your house making breakfast and brewing coffee and listening to music that for some reason is really getting to your heart. You’re just standing there thinking about going to work and picking up your dry cleaning. And also more exciting things like books you’re reading and trips you plan on taking and relationships that are springing into existence. Or fading from your memory, which is far less exciting. And suddenly you just don’t feel at home in your skin or in your house and you just want home but “Mom’s” probably wouldn’t feel like home anymore either. There used to be the comfort of a number in your phone and ears that listened everyday and arms that were never for anyone else. But just to calm you down when you started feeling trapped in a five-minute period where nostalgia is too much and thoughts of this person you are feel foreign. When you realize that you’ll never be this young again but this is the first time you’ve ever been this old. When you can’t remember how you got from sixteen to here and all the same feel like sixteen is just as much of a stranger to you now. The song is over. The coffee’s done. You’re going to breathe in and out. You’re going to be fine in about five minutes.”           

This is every single thing I've been feeling, summed up perfectly in one quote. Breathe. This too shall pass.

Babies and Weddings

I am 23 years old. I have been to 9 weddings in the past 2 years. I’m currently having a scheduling conflict because one of my friends is having her baby here in Charlotte on Friday and another friend is getting married in Elon on Saturday and I have a lunch date with a newly pregnant friend in Greensboro on Monday. I’m also trying to figure out how to plan a bridal shower and bachelorette party for my friend in June, while attending my best friend and my cousins weddings back to back in July.

In case you were wondering what it’s like to grow up, this is it. Babies and weddings ERRYWHERE.

Nostalgia

It comes in waves. All of the sudden, I miss everyone. One day you’re 17 and graduating high school. The nerves and excitement are unlike anything you’ve ever felt before. You get sentimental and swear to your high school friends that you’ll keep in touch and be friends forever. Then you blink. You’re 21 and about to graduate college, and you swear that your nerves and emotions have never been so raw. You’re excited and scared, deeply emotional and impossibly nostalgic. You’ve got the whole world at your fingertips. Then you blink. You’re 23 and you don’t know where the time went. You swear you were just 17, 21. You remember being so vulnerable and raw and you actually find yourself missing it. Because now you feel numb and old and constantly nostalgic for the days when you felt like you could set the world on fire. I know your 20’s are supposed to be free and exciting. It’s a time to feel and see and do as much as you can. As a 20 something you’re in the prime of your life. Life is full of possibilities and people are curious as to what you have to offer the world. It won’t always be this way. In fact, right now is the youngest you’ll ever be again. So what happens when you’re 23 and all you can feel is longing and nostalgia? Why can’t I live in the moment and enjoy the right now instead of constantly looking back? One day I will look at this time in my life with longing and wish I could be 23 again. So why do I enjoy moments more once they’ve passed? Why can’t I enjoy the moment as it is happening? I need to learn to enjoy the here and now, because it won’t be here for long.

"We spend time building something up and then we don't enjoy it. We sit there terrified someone's gonna take it away from us."

So Long Sweet Summer

Well here it is. One week left before I go back to school. The finale. The last summer. I‘ve loved the song “So Long Sweet Summer” for a while, and I probably listen to it in increasing amounts each August, but this year feels different. This is not the end of summer break as much as it‘s the end of a season of my life. It really just hit me that this is the last summer break. Next year, the summer season will still come, yet everything will be different. I’ll be in school/clinicals all summer. Emily will be planning a wedding and getting married. Christine will be in NYC. This is it. This is the last summer of us. I know that from here on out, things won’t be the same. Things will change and there will be a new normal. I know it’s not a big deal, and summer is really only just a season. But I can’t help but feel like this is another chapter of my childhood closing. Every year since kindergarten, I can remember looking forward to summer break- a time to hang out with friends and do absolutely nothing and everything all at the same time. Now those friends are getting married or becoming doctors or moving to New York City. And I’m so excited to see where life takes all of us. And I have no doubt that we will stay friends forever. It just seems so strange to think of this next week as the finale of all summers. George Martin said “Summer will end soon enough, and childhood as well”. So here’s to the summers full of sleepovers, swimming, going out, staying in, endless movies watched, laughter, tears, coffee, ice cream, vacations, adventures, photos, memories, and so much more. So long sweet summer. I can’t wait to see what the next season of life has to offer.

Summers past and present.

Plans Shmans.

When you are younger, your perception of time and age is skewed. You think your babysitter, your student teacher, and basically anyone over the age of 15 is old. So you make plans and predictions based off of your skewed idea of time and aging, and sadly, it never quite works out how you planned. When I was younger, I never really pictured myself graduating high school. It’s not that I pictured myself flunking out or anything like that, I just never really mentally got past high school. Then as high school fast approached, I could never picture my life after college. I assumed, much like my mental block of graduating high school, that eventually with time I would be able to picture my life after college. However college came and went. I’m now a year and a half post-grad and I still can’t picture my life after college. High school has a definite end. 4 years and then you move on. College has the same definite end. But the real world? No definite next step, no definite end. And that scares the crap out of me. I think we base our predictions of our lives and our futures by what we grew up with. My parents got married when they were 20 years old, so I kind of assumed that I would finish school and move in with my husband. When you’re young and making plans you never account for the fact that you might be eternally single, or have to move back in with your parents, or move to a random city where you don’t know anybody to chase a dream that you’re not really sure about. It all becomes quite unclear and really nothing like you imagined. My big plan was to graduate, get a job that I loved, move out on my own, fall madly in love, get married, and start having children by the time I was 30. I’m currently 23 and have none of these things. Realistically, at the pace I’m going, I’m not really on track for my plan. Which I’m learning to accept. Plans change. Heck, if I stuck with my childhood plans, I would be living with my best friend Sarah and professional figure skating. Things have a way of working themselves out in due time. I get that, I really do. It’s just hard once you graduate and everyone goes on their own separate paths at their own separate pace. One of my friends is moving to New York to attend grad school at NYU. She’s getting an apartment and living in a big city and studying to get her masters. I can’t help but think how grown up that all sounds. And my other best friend just got engaged and is moving to Kentucky with her fiance. So it’s no wonder I can’t help but feel stuck or left behind. I’ve always moved at a slower pace than everyone else, so I shouldn’t be surprised. So who knows what the future might bring. Honestly, I’m excited to see where life takes me. But I can’t help but feel a little sad for the loss of my childhood plans.

To wrap it up, there’s a song I heard on a CD a friend made for me and the words really hit me while I was driving the other day. There’s a part that says: “Ever since you were a child, you had a picture in your dreams, of how you wanted things to turn out, of what you’d like your life to be. Now you’re living with an image, that you hardly recognize. You don’t have to gloss it over, like everything’s fine.” This is so freeing to me. I know that I can’t dwell on the past, but this just reminds me that it’s okay to feel sad and afraid and confused and stuck when things don’t turn out like you planned. You know what they say, “If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans”. Haha, God. Haha.


　

Scary stories for the growing girl...

I could not really have summed this up better myself, so please enjoy this post from HelloGiggles:

Scary Stories for 20-Somethings  
by Caitlin Abber

As a kid, I was a huge fan Goosebumps and Are You Afraid of The Dark? They totally scared the crap out of me, but at the same time, I just couldn’t get enough. I was convinced mummies lived in our attic, and there was definitely something hiding under my bed. When I was a teenager, I really appreciated a good campfire tale, specifically one about urban legends, like an old witch who lives in a haunted house or a cheerleader being stalked by a menacing prank caller. I liked the sense of anticipation I felt while listening to these stories, and knowing that a really terrifying or shocking thing was about to happen, but at least it wasn’t happening to me. I was always safe and secure, pretty much without a care in the world.
But then I graduated from college and become “an adult”, and that was when the scary stuff really began.
Here are 5 Scary Stories That Happen In Your Twenties:
1. You have 48 hours to come up with first, last, and security deposit before you can move into your new apartment. This is a thrilling mission of will and desire, featuring a shameful call to your parents, an assessment of what belongings you can sell on Craigslist and your first foray into handing a stranger a check for thousands of dollars. You may feel a sense of relief when it is over, but as someone who has moved ten thousand times, I can tell you – it doesn’t get any less terrifying.
2. Your boyfriend is in the shower when he receives a text from a girl you only sort of know about. The message confirms your suspicions that he is cheating on you. You read all the texts. Every last one of them. Now you must decide how to tell him that you know what he’s been up to, while admitting you snooped. What are the consequences of both of your actions? Who is really to blame? This is a scenario that will haunt you for years to come! Future relationships will be affected! You will have trust issues forever!
3. At the job interview of a lifetime, you start to notice that your nerves have gotten the best of you, and your armpits feel a little moist. The interview is going on for longer than you expected, as they want you to meet with several members of the company. You find a few minutes to run into the bathroom, and, upon inspection, notice that you have drenched pit stains down to your waist. Do you give up right there? Carry on as if everything is a-okay? Throw yourself on the ground and cry? Wait it out under the hand dryer? This sort of thing always happens to you! When will it end??
4. So you got all that money together and now it’s time to furnish your apartment! Welcome to the Swedish level of hell, IKEA. Enjoy assembling all that stuff you bought, as well as paying off the interest that will accrue on your credit card. Isn’t adulthood fun?
5. Obviously you didn’t get that job you sweated over. So now what? Hey, why not apply for unemployment, literally everyone is doing it! You receive a letter (yes, a real letter) that it takes 4-8 weeks for all the paper work to go through. You have $107.45 in your bank account. Good thing you already have that apartment thing taken care of! Oh wait, your boyfriend is cheating on you and you have to move out. Nightmares for days!
The silver lining is that none of these scary stories are permanent, like, no one is going to pull off the ribbon that keeps your head attached to your body. So, hey, at least there is that!

Forever a child

Things that make you an adult:

1. Eating spinach on your sandwiches
2. Not crying while getting dressed in the morning
3. When you say “kids these days” and actually mean it
4. When your friends start getting married
5. When your friends start having kids on purpose
6. Not sitting at the kids table during Thanksgiving dinner
7. Not watching the Disney channel in your spare time
8. Knowing how to budget
9. Getting the newspaper daily
10. Having a set of good towels
11. Having Satellite radio
12. Listening to Howard Stern
13. Drinking hot tea
14. Being repulsed when people pass gas
15. Using words like "repulsed"

Reasons I am not yet a grown up:

1. I cry when I get dressed. My closet and lack of clothing options is overwhelming and I’m apparently emotionally fragile
2. I still sit at the kids table during Thanksgiving dinner.
3. I burn napkins, beans, and rolls over a candle at the kids table during Thanksgiving dinner
4. I watch the Disney channel in my spare time and even when I’m supposed to be doing other things
5. I don’t know how to budget. At all.
6. I don’t like the newspaper. The feeling of it makes me cringe. And I think it smells bad
7. I have a set of good towels that my mom bought me (so that probably doesn’t even count), but I hate them and I don’t understand the point
8. I’m going to a Justin Bieber concert in January
9. Most of my clothes are from Forever 21
10. I still like to do cartwheels in my back yard. And at the beach. And everywhere.
11. Because I have dance parties in my car to Taylor Swift and I've never seen an adult do that
12. I still get emotionally invested in shows on ABC Family
13. I don't own dress pants
14. I still think it's really really funny when people fart
15. I still use the word 'fart'
and most importantly...BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO BE AND YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!

The Year that Summer Died

Growing up is weird and I wanna know why no one talks about that? Why does no one warn you and prepare you for all the unexpected changes? Why isn’t there some sort of halfway house between college and the real world? Do people really successfully make this transition and keep their sanity?

You see, it comes in waves. Some of the growing up process seems gradual and natural. For instance, I don’t have the urge to change my AIM screen name every other day, or lick just the middle out of the Oreo and put the cookies back in the box. I would say that is just a natural change that happened when I matured and grew up. However, some things are very sudden and seem to come out of no where. Take summer vacation for example. I can’t think of a time when summer break wasn’t the most exciting time of the whole year. Until now. Until now, summer was a time when me and my friends were all out of school for a little while, and when we all flocked back to our hometowns. It was sad to say goodbye to college friends from different states, but it was always good to go home, knowing it wasn’t permanent. Summers were spent with silly summer jobs, laying out by the pool, and catching up with friends. For 22 years of my life, this is what summer was about. Well, newsflash, ladies and gentlemen. Apparently this isn’t a forever kinda thing. Apparently when you grow up and graduate college, people move away and get real jobs, where they don’t even get summer break! Luckily I picked a dead end major in college and have to go back to more school before I can get a job so I have no real job in my near future, so I still get a summer break. And boy was I excited to come home and hang out by the pool with my friends! But wait…where are my friends? That’s right. They grew up. They have real jobs where they have to work all day, and go to the gym, and make lesson plans, and plan their weddings. Honestly, it sounds silly, but nothing could have prepared me for the death of my usual summer plans. I’ve been home exactly a week and I feel like I might explode. I have no friends,  no social life whatsoever, no job, no schedule, and nothing to do. I feel slightly pathetic and useless. I feel like I shouldn’t be in my own house. I feel like my house was a place to come home for the summer. But this…this is not summer. My mom works from home, which is usually not a problem because I’m out with friends or doing things during the summer. But this year, I wake up, and she’s working. I go downstairs and eat, and she’s working. I watch TV, shower, and go to the grocery, and she’s working. I take a nap, and she’s working. And the whole dang time she’s working, I feel like I should be doing something productive or like I’m intruding in my own house, or just like I shouldn’t be there. So folks, enjoy your summers while you still have them. Cause although the summer season might always be around, the typical summer break doesn’t last forever, apparently.

RIP Summer break (1989-2012)



Emily said YES!

It was 1995 and we were in Mrs. Bazemore’s 1^st grade class together. That’s where I met my best friend, Emily. We first bonded over the fact that we were both painfully shy. But our friendship grew from there. I’ve had some of my best memories with Emily.

Fast forward 17 years and here we are. This morning I got the most exciting text from Emily. It read “I’m engaged!!!” She’s getting married to her now fiancé, Jeff, and I couldn’t be more excited for them. Honesty, I wanted to write a long, heartfelt, emotional blog post about how grown up we are getting and how much I love Emily, but I can’t sum up 17 years of friendship in one post, so I’m going to let the pictures speak for themselves. But for the record, I’m so happy for her and can’t wait for her to start this next chapter of her life!

Playing orphans in a wagon in the driveway.

 Jungle Rapids waterpark

 Swinging in the backyard

Playing at Wrightsville 

 Hanging out in the backyard

Before the 5th grade dance

Dancing

 Ike and Michelle (our imaginary mice) wedding

Boogie boarding

Being Santa

 5th grade graduation dinner

At a baseball game

My journal entry from 1st grade. 

 Fancy dinner

 She's engaged!

Things that I am too old for...

When you are younger, you dream of growing up. Driving, going out without parents, making your own decisions, eating whatever you want, whenever you want. Well, reality check…growing up is not all that it’s cracked up to be. Don’t get me wrong, there are definite freedoms and advantages that come along with growing up. But there are also a greater number of responsibilities. Plus, apparently after the age of 21 you are too old to do any of the really fun stuff (except rent a car, which is super annoying). So, I’ve compiled a list of things that, at the age of 22, I am now too old to do.

1. Be adopted by Ellen Degeneres and Portia de Rossi. Because apparently when you turn 18, you are legally an “adult”. So I guess my dreams of sitting around the dinner table telling Ellen and Portia about my day at school is probably never gonna come true.

2. Be a Disney Channel star. Okay, this one is debatable. Although I’m 22, I look pretty young, so it’s probably not my age holding me back from being a Disney star. It’s probably more my lack of talent. But I’m gonna go ahead and blame it on my age, for self esteem reasons.

3. Not have a boyfriend. I’m 22 and my biological clock (and mainly society) is telling me that it’s not okay to be single at this point in my life.

4. SCOUTED. I don’t know if you’ve seen the show Scouted on E! but it’s about girls who get discovered in malls and restaurants and then go on to New York for a photo shoot. They get their hair done and beautiful make up and fabulous outfits. All in all it looks pretty awesome. Sounds glamorous right? Well, apparently the age cutoff if 21. Because I guess after that you’re all dried up and wrinkly and old anyways. Now, I’m 5’4’’ and I’m definitely no model, but I like having my options, ok?

5. College. I would sell a vital organ to be in college again. But nooooo, I had to get all old and graduate. Lame.

6. Be excited about driving. Imagine this. You’re 16 and you just got your license. You are begging your friends and parents to let you drive them somewhere. Flash forward to 22. You are begging your friends and parents to drive you places again. Because driving sucks.

7. Ignorance. You know the saying “ignorance is bliss”? I guarantee that someone came up with that after watching the news a few times. Seriously, if you turn on the news all you hear about it murders, kidnappings, crazy gas prices, global warming, natural disasters, or our seemingly failing government. But because I’m 22, I can’t really just pretend these things aren’t happening. I have a responsibility to be a participating member of society, and I can’t participate well if I don’t know the facts. How nice would it be to be a kid again and not have to worry about all this junk!

So there you have it, folks. Maybe for my next blog, I'll post the good things about growing up. Just to balance it out.


“When you're young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun. Then, you grow up and learn to be cautious. You could break a bone or a heart. You look before you leap and sometimes you don't leap at all because there's not always someone there to catch you. And in life, there's no safety net. When did it stop being fun and start being scary?” -Sex and the City
　

Fear of the unknown

"It’s okay to not know, but it’s not okay to not try."

I heard this quote today and it really made me think. It’s so simple and so true. Why are we usually afraid to try things? For me, it is usually a fear of failure or the fear of the unknown. But you have to accept that sometimes you might not know things, and that’s okay. As long as you don’t let the fear of the unknown stop you from trying. There are many times in my life where I’ve been scared of a situation solely based on the fact that I didn’t know exactly what to expect. And there are many times that I decided to skip out on things that probably would have been awesome. I think it was my freshman year of college when I learned that nothing is worse than missing an opportunity that could have changed your life. I was scared to go to college. I was terrified. I even remember yelling at my dad during move in and asking him how he could possibly leave me there. In my head I just knew I couldn’t do it. After all, I didn’t know what to expect. There were so many unknowns and I was scared. Sometimes I still think back to that. What would have happened if I hadn’t bit the bullet and stayed at college. I would have come home with my parents and missed out on so many amazing opportunities. I wouldn’t have had the same wonderful experiences or made the same great friends. Yes, I’ll admit, it was scary and it wasn’t always easy. But really it only took about a week for it to go from “unknown” to familiar. That was one of the first times I remember pushing past my fears of the unknown, but trying anyways. And since then I’ve done many more things that have pushed me out of my comfort zone. Not all have been such pleasant experiences, but I tried, and now I know. And I didn’t miss out. So next time you’re debating whether to do something or not, don’t let the fear of not knowing hold you back. Go ahead and try. And soon it won’t be unknown anymore.

PS- There is an excellent Meredith Grey quote that fits in perfectly with this:

A couple of hundred years ago, Benjamin Franklin shared with the world the secret of his success. Never leave that till tomorrow, he said, which you can do today. This is the man who discovered electricity. You think more people would listen to what he had to say. I don’t know why we put things off, but if I had to guess, I’d have to say it has a lot to do with fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, sometimes the fear is just of making a decision, because what if you’re wrong? What if you’re making a mistake you can’t undo? The early bird catches the worm. A stitch in time saves nine. He who hesitates is lost. We can’t pretend we hadn’t been told. We’ve all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to seize the day. Still sometimes we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today’s possibility under tomorrow’s rug until we can’t anymore. Until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin really meant. That knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beat the hell out of never trying.

Pressure

There is an overwhelming amount of pressure that comes with being 22, and something tells me it will just get worse with age. There is such a push to be something or do something when really I’m still just trying to figure myself out. For most of my life, people in my age range have been at pretty similar parts in their lives. We all went to school at the same time and graduated at roughly the same time and got our licenses at the same time and celebrated turning 21 at the same time. But now things are different. Now some people are continuing on in more schooling and some are getting jobs. Some are taking a year off to move back home, and some are taking a year off to travel. All these different paths and options are so stressful to me. You see, I’m a comparer. I can’t help it. I have a tendency to compare my life to other peoples lives. So it gets stressful hearing about all the different things everyone is doing. But the most stressful part is the relationship pressure. I can name at least 20 people that I know who are engaged, married, or have a child. I don’t even have a boyfriend. Heck, I don’t even have a friend who’s a boy. Plus it doesn’t help that my parents got married at 19 and had me at 26. I can’t help but feel behind. I can’t help but wonder, “will I ever get married?” I’m 22. If I meet a boy this year and all goes well I could be married by the time I’m 24 and maybe start popping out kids by the time I’m 26. But let’s be real, that’s not going to happen. I’m 22 and I’ve never had a serious relationship (yes, I am admitting that on the internet). I really can’t help but think I’m defective in some way. But for heavens sake, I’m 22! I just graduated from college 6 months ago. I’m still in school. I don’t have a career figured out. So, no- I don’t know when I’ll get a boyfriend, or when I’ll get married, or when I’ll give my parents grandchildren. I’m only 22 and half the time I feel like the world is yelling at me to speed up, catch up, and grow up.

Imagination

I was standing in line at TCBY today and looking at all the little children running around and I wondered to myself if it’s fun to be a kid these days? I think I can count the number of times I played on the computer or TV during my childhood on one hand. Yes, there were occasions when I would sit down with my best friends and play Mario Kart or Mario Party on the Nintendo64 (or Sonic the Hedgehog on the Sega), but most of the time my friends and I were making up games and using our imaginations. Some of our favorite games when we were younger were:
-pretending we were orphans and creating an orphanage
-sitting on eggs and pretending we were birds
-playing “The Secret Garden”
-making up/choreographing dances and putting on shows
-rollerblading while pretending to be ice skating
-pretending the ground was lava
-climbing trees
-making up mysteries and solving them

Activities like these really did require so much imagination though. I remember looking at the swing set and being able to clearly picture it as a boat with red, hot, bubbling lava below. I wonder if children these days still do that? Or if the ridiculous amount of technology, iPods, computers, game boys, and other electronics create a world where children don’t have to play outside, interact with one another, or use their imagination? That makes me so sad to think about. I honestly think I had one of the best childhoods. I remember spending days on end waking up at friends houses, playing outside, and then camping out and doing it all over again the next day. I hope that children still find time to go outside and play and use their imagination. “Limitations live only in our minds. But if we use our imaginations, our possibilities become limitless.”

So to the kids who still believe that sheets and pillows can be a fort, or specs of dust might actually be fairies, keep on believing!

PS- when I was younger and we didn’t have iPods, my friends and I would push the radio to the window ledge, open the window, and turn the radio up as loud as possible so that we could skate to music in the driveway :)

Growing older, growing up? Could it be??

Wow. Things certainly do happen fast. At this time yesterday I still had absolutely no idea what I was going to do after graduation. Yet in a matter of 12 hours, things seemed to literally just fall into place. My friend Lindsey got into grad school at UNC Charlotte and a few hours later I found out that I met the requirements for the nursing program in Charlotte. So, after talking with the head of the nursing department and with my parents it looks like I will be moving to Charlotte in August! How crazy is that?! With graduation being exactly one month from today, things are actually starting to feel real. It is weird to think that I might be moving away from Wilmington for an indefinite amount of time. I have lived 21 years of my life here. My family is here. My friends are here. I know this city like the back of my hand and I love it with all my heart. And yet I have to move on, which is not to say I won’t be back. It is just strange to be growing up and moving on, which includes moving out. So many things are running through my head. Charlotte is 5 hours away from Wilmington. Will I ever go home on the weekends? Will I go home for holidays? Will I still consider my parents house my home?
For now I am just gonna stick with the basic questions like when can I register for classes or which apartment are Linds and I gonna live in. So here it is folks, growin' older, maybe even growin' up?