So as you all know, I’ve had a series of posts called “Letters to my Younger Self”. So I decided to ask Molly if she would write a letter for me to use on my blog. Molly, being the creative and eloquent writer that she is, decided to send me a letter she’d written to her current self. She has been through a lot and is currently in the process of recovering from an eating disorder. This letter is so full of hope and strength and I am so proud of Molly for writing this:
“Dear Molly,
I don’t know exactly what is going on for you right now, nor do I know the extent to what you’ve been through in your life, but I am proud of you for taking these first steps in recovery. It’s hard to completely sympathize with you when you yourself aren’t even sure of what races through your mind each day. I realize that everyday you have to recommit to treatment, which is a big struggle; and for that I am truly sorry.
I want you to know that you deserve to be happy and there is nothing that you can do to have that privilege taken away from you. Happiness is a human right that belongs to everyone, regardless of what they have or haven’t done. Never let anyone talk down to you. You are not a burden and you are certainly worthy of living a valuable and adventurous life.
Kate le Page once said, “My worst days in recovery are better than my worst days in relapse” and she is right. Although this might not sound probable, know that one day, you will see that anything is possible. After all, impossible is just like saying I’m possible.
There is nothing that you cannot do Molly, so stop setting boundaries and limitations for yourself. Start believing that you can beat your illness and begin to realize that without it, you will see the kind wonderful woman that you are. You are so strong, determined, beautiful and brave and these characteristics shine outwards everyday. I only wish that you could see them for yourself as well.
Just think of yourself as a gem. Sometimes you get a little bit dusty but after being polished up you are good as new. Don’t judge yourself by your illnesses. You are not Anorexia, You are not Depression, You are not Bipolar Disorder; YOU are YOU. These illnesses happen to the best of us. Perfectionism indicates that you do have a care in the world; just sometimes you care a little bit too much. Is that really such a bad thing?
I acknowledge that “Strong”, “Healthy” or even “Happy” can be scary words for you right now, but you need to learn to embrace them. Someday, you’ll be able to look back and realize that hospitals and emaciation shouldn’t be safe places or sane states for you. Both should be dreaded. I understand that right now it might feel like it’s easier to stay sick than to get better, but in the long run that won’t get you anywhere. Embrace the unknown. If you live by the motto “Forget the past and move on” (which works for you since your concentration and memory is starting to fade) you won’t even remember what you are familiar with and you will try to take a different path each day.
I know that it is going to be scary to start expressing all of your emotions and being truly honest about your eating disorder symptoms, but you cannot continue living with these bad habits if you do want to recover. Think of how badly you wanted to run away from the hospital when you were 13 because you thought there was nothing wrong with you? Think back to even before that when eating was fun, carefree and spontaneous. Where did this new attitude of “returning to my rut (room) and escaping my emotions (isolating)” come from? The Molly I used to know would face reality. She’d challenge herself to eat more and more until she reached her goal. She would not give up the way you are demonstrating. She would most definitely give ED a run for his money, since she’d be so angry with him for ruining her life and making her miss two years of school; her favourite place to be in the world. This being said, the Molly I knew would also be gentle to herself.
Try to think of the positive things you have in life. Don’t let your mind wander allowing yourself to feel guilty for not taking advantage of what you have misused, abandoned or haven’t completed to it’s full potential. Maybe you weren’t dealt the best hand of cards but believe in yourself that at the times you played, you laid your cards out in the correct order. Think about what you have to look forward to. Volunteering at a Naturopathic clinic, Participating in a Study to help with Eating disorder Research, A baby in February, School in September, Becoming a Wife or even a Mom, Removing a tumour or Conducting your Own field of Research… Life is limitless and yours is waiting for you to pop back into it. Right now, you probably have very little energy to even WANT to achieve these accomplishments but try and look past your current worries, anxiety and thoughts, and remember that in some time, you’ll no longer be “faking it” but rather you will be “enjoying things”. After all, as the saying goes, “Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. But, today is a gift. That's why we call it the present!”
Don’t ever think that you are too fat, too short or too ugly because you are Molly, a little sister to three, a friend to many and a daughter to two proud parents.
Recover for yourself this time Molly. I believe in you,
Sincerely,
Your inner wisdom”
THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU to Molly for guest posting on my blog. You are braver, smarter, and more beautiful than you know! Don’t forget to check out Molly’s blog at http://disablingthelabel.wordpress.com/.
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