Alone

Oscar Wilde said “I think it’s very healthy to spend time alone. You need to know how to be alone and not be defined by another person”.
Ya know what I have done a lot of this summer? Be alone. Ya know what I’m not very good at? Being alone. It’s tricky because I think I’m mainly an introvert, so I really don’t like having people around all the time, but I like having the option of having people around. Does that make sense? I don’t feel as alone when I know that I can call up a friend and catch up or have someone come over. But it’s in the quiet of the middle of the night, or in the middle of the day when everyone is at work, that I start to feel the anxiety of being alone. I can distract myself by reading or watching tv, or even napping, but eventually the distractions fall away, and I find myself alone. And loud. No, I don’t start screaming or belting out Celine Dion when I’m alone (very often), but when I say loud, I mean in my head. The anxiety produces thoughts and they come faster than a speeding bullet and pile up in my head like dirty laundry. When I’m alone I begin to over think absolutely everything (more than I already do) which just increases anxiety. And as anyone with an anxiety disorder knows, anxiety has a tendency to build upon itself and soon you become anxious about being anxious. So this summer I’m working on being alone with myself and with my thoughts. When I‘m alone and the thoughts are coming, I turn on some music and I journal. So I might be working on the whole “how to be alone” part, but I still definitely haven’t mastered the “not being defined by another person” part. But that’s a subject for another day!