End of the Semester

IS THERE ANYONE ALIVE OUT THERE?

Lilly

The friends you make your freshman year of college have the potential to shape your entire college experience. I was fortunate enough to make friends that shaped not only my college experience, but my life. There were 6 of us and we were inseparable. Sure we had our little fights, but we were 6 girls who moved away from home and lived, ate, drank, breathed, laughed, cried, and learned together. It’d be weird if we didn’t have our off moments. Moving away from home and leaving for college is a very big transition, and can be very overwhelming, especially alone. So the 6 of us bonded together and functioned as a unit throughout the year. By the end of spring, we knew things were going to change and we clung to everyday like it was special. Unfortunately the year ended, and as we packed up our rooms, we went out on one last adventure. A group of six 19 year olds went to Build-A-Bear and agonized over which bear we would stuff. We decided on a plain tan bear with little patches, we painstakingly picked out a nice outfit, and argued over a name. But most importantly, we gave our bear, Lilly, 6 hearts- one for each of us. And we decided that as we went our separate ways, Lilly would become the traveling bear who kept us all connected. The next year, 2 of the girls transferred to UNC, one left for Maryland, and the other 3 of us stayed at Elon. Sophomore year was rough on everyone. Lilly made her rounds, collecting letters and notes that were passed around to all of us to keep us all in touch in some way. By junior year, everyone but me had left for UNC. And while that was miserable for me, I think I realized that Lilly was not what was keeping us together. We had a friendship that could tolerate the distance, with or without a bear. And so Lilly stopped traveling and took up permanent residence with me. (However, she sometimes made appearances when we all got together). As we continued to grow up, our friendships evolved and changed. We became more than friends, we became a sisterhood. And I’d like to say that just like in the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants (which is what we were going for with the bear), each one of us fit a role, like the rebel or the nurturer. But truth is, we all step in whenever necessary. I only keep in touch with 3 of the girls now, but they are 3 of my absolute best friends. They have been there for some of the best and worst moments of my life, and they will continue to be a big part of my life. I am truly myself when I am with them. However, time marches on and we have all grown up. Lindsey will be moving out and moving in with her boyfriend and their new puppy. Kelsey will be moving to DC with her boyfriend. And Katie is in grad school in Florida. And I’m here. And sometimes I feel stuck. I feel like I’m standing still while everyone around me is moving so fast. And so on nights like tonight, when I feel stuck and alone, I grab Lilly. Yes, as a 23/almost 24 year old, I grab a stuffed bear. I grab her and I hold her and I remember that she has 6 hearts that represent a little piece of each of my best friends. And I’m reminded that no matter how much we grow or change, and no matter how much distance comes between us, these girls will always be my sisterhood. We will always be there, for the good and the bad. And although we may be apart, we will always find a way to stay with each other. So tonight, I am sitting in my bed with Lilly; and for tonight, as silly as this may seem, I don’t feel so alone.

PS- I’m the one who has Lilly because I’m the sentimental one. And if any of them read this, they would laugh and laugh and laugh about me posting about a bear. And yet they love me anyway J

"Can't Go Back Now"

"Yesterday, when you were young, everything you needed done was done for you. Now you do it on your own, but you find you're all alone. What can you do? You and me, walk on, walk on, walk on cause you can't go back now. You know there will be days when you're so tired that you can't take another step. The night will have no stars and you'll think you've gone as far as you will ever get. But you and me, walk on, walk on, walk on cause you can't go back now. And yeah, go where you want to go. Be what you want to be. If you ever turn around, you'll see me. I can't really say why everybody wishes they were somewhere else, but in the end, the only steps that matter are the ones you take all by yourself. And you and me walk on, walk on, walk on cause you can't go back now."

                                                                                                      -The Weepies

"______ Brooke"

Growing up, you are given labels by adults and people around you. As a child, you accept these labels and move on with your life. It’s not until you are older that you realize the weight these labels may have carried. When you’re a particularly small person growing up, your size is always pointed out to you, so much that sometimes your name actually becomes “little Brooke”. That one defining characteristic becomes just as much an identity as your name. And there is a strange (usually self directed) pressure to fit into that label for as long as possible. Now this is not to say I didn’t love my “label” growing up; In fact, I still smile when my friends start an e-mail with “Dear little Brooke...” It made me feel special. I felt/feel like it was a part of who I was. But as you grow up, your body changes and you become less “little”. So now what? Now who are you? You are now “just Brooke”, and that can be terrifying. So you have a few choices. You can try to find another way to identify yourself. You can do some self discovery. But that can also be pretty terrifying, and if you have minimal self-esteem, it’s pretty hard to fill in that blank. I’m not the best at anything. I’m not “smart Brooke” or “athletic Brooke” or “popular Brooke” or any of those things. And that’s okay, because I never have been. But I have been the best at being “little”. So as humans, we tend to stick with the familiar and what we know we're good at. So you strive to go back to being “little Brooke” or “_____ (your name here)”. And if that doesn’t work, you fall into the trap of letting society label you. And you get angry and frustrated and you cry and cry, because no matter how hard you try, you can’t go back. And then it hits you like a bug on a windshield. This is what growing up is all about. It’s about redefining yourself and finding out who you really are, aside from the labels other people have given you. Much like ripping off a bandaid, it can hurt trying to remove old labels. And in that time when you are no longer “little Brooke”, but have also not quite found a new way to define yourself, you feel vulnerable, label-less, and naked. But what I am learning is that it’s actually (and surprisingly) okay to be “just Brooke” or “just (whoeveryouare)”. I’m learning to accept that my friends didn’t love me because I was “little”; they loved me because I was/am Brooke. And that in itself is amazing and beautiful and confusing and scary all at the same time.

 

10 Reasons why being a twenty-something is sometimes not the absolute worst!

I complain too much.
So here's a list of 10 reasons why being a twenty-something is sometimes not the absolute worst:

1. You set your own bedtime. For better or worse, you ultimately make that decision

2. You choose your own dinner. Again, this could be for better or worse. Example: Yesterday I had a yogurt and 4 chocolate chip cookies for dinner.

3. You can eat dinner on the couch, or the floor, or in your bed, or standing at the kitchen counter. In our apartment, whenever we order pizza, we have a habit of eating on the living room floor.

4. You can talk about inappropriate things without being scolded. Example: tonight there were 3 of us girls eating at the dinner table, when the dinner conversation turned into looking at nudies of Heather Morris. It happens.

5. You can watch shows like Pretty Little Liars and Celebrity Wife Swap with only a minimal amount of shame.

6. You still have relatively good fashion sense (even though you can’t afford anything). You've (hopefully) progressed past skanky, slutty, teenage trends, and have not yet hit mom-jeans and turtlenecks. You're right in the middle, with cardigans, blazers, and skinny jeans.

7. You can still be spontaneous without being considered irresponsible

8. You can blast your music as loud as you want and have dance parties by yourself, because I’m pretty sure that is the defining characteristic of being 23.

9. You probably hate your body, but it’s actually probably the hottest you’ll ever be. (booooo)

10. You can be as big or as little as you want in the world. You can blend in or you can stand out. You can follow happily, or you could lead boldly. You have some good life experience behind you and a lot of life lessons ahead of you.

 

All By Myself

In elementary school you make new best friends practically every day. You make new friends throughout middle school, and solidify friendships in high school. Then you pack up and leave for college, where everyone is on their own for the first time, and everyone is scared to some degree. This leads to instant bonding. Plus when you live in the dorms, you tend to get very close very fast. So for the first 21 years of your life, making friends is pretty much built in. And then you graduate. And you move to a new city. And everyone already has their friends from college, or high school, or church, or home. And you have TV. And a 10 pound weight gain. And a self esteem that’s plummeting faster than the sinking Titanic. You have a lot of things, actually. Like student loans up to your ears, parents with more exciting social schedules than you, and an increasingly loud biological clock. One thing you do not have is friends. You may have acquaintances who you work with or have class with. But you don’t have friends who you can call up on Friday night when you feel like staying in and watching a movie; or friends that you can show up at their house at random hours to vent about life. Example: last weekend my roommate was out of town. From the time I left class on Friday to the time she got home on Sunday night, I literally did not have contact with another human being. I did not open my mouth to speak words. No one called me. I didn’t have anyone to call. When you’re constantly hearing that your 20’s are the time of your life, and seeing your friends posting fun pictures all over the internet, and you’re sitting in your pajamas watching reruns of the Brady Bunch and blasting “All By Myself”…your ego tends to take a major hit. Lesson is, it’s really freaking hard to make friends as you get older because everyone already has friends. So if you are stupid brave enough to move to a new city, bring someone with you. Travel in pairs. Noah’s ark had it absolutely correct. Cause it tends to get lonely out there for a new grad.

Stayed tuned for my next post entitled "It snowed and I cried: A look into my Saturdays alone."

                                 Celine gets me, she really does...

Twenty Three

“Sometimes you’re 23 and standing in the kitchen of your house making breakfast and brewing coffee and listening to music that for some reason is really getting to your heart. You’re just standing there thinking about going to work and picking up your dry cleaning. And also more exciting things like books you’re reading and trips you plan on taking and relationships that are springing into existence. Or fading from your memory, which is far less exciting. And suddenly you just don’t feel at home in your skin or in your house and you just want home but “Mom’s” probably wouldn’t feel like home anymore either. There used to be the comfort of a number in your phone and ears that listened everyday and arms that were never for anyone else. But just to calm you down when you started feeling trapped in a five-minute period where nostalgia is too much and thoughts of this person you are feel foreign. When you realize that you’ll never be this young again but this is the first time you’ve ever been this old. When you can’t remember how you got from sixteen to here and all the same feel like sixteen is just as much of a stranger to you now. The song is over. The coffee’s done. You’re going to breathe in and out. You’re going to be fine in about five minutes.”           

This is every single thing I've been feeling, summed up perfectly in one quote. Breathe. This too shall pass.