"Can't Go Back Now"

"Yesterday, when you were young, everything you needed done was done for you. Now you do it on your own, but you find you're all alone. What can you do? You and me, walk on, walk on, walk on cause you can't go back now. You know there will be days when you're so tired that you can't take another step. The night will have no stars and you'll think you've gone as far as you will ever get. But you and me, walk on, walk on, walk on cause you can't go back now. And yeah, go where you want to go. Be what you want to be. If you ever turn around, you'll see me. I can't really say why everybody wishes they were somewhere else, but in the end, the only steps that matter are the ones you take all by yourself. And you and me walk on, walk on, walk on cause you can't go back now."

                                                                                                      -The Weepies

"______ Brooke"

Growing up, you are given labels by adults and people around you. As a child, you accept these labels and move on with your life. It’s not until you are older that you realize the weight these labels may have carried. When you’re a particularly small person growing up, your size is always pointed out to you, so much that sometimes your name actually becomes “little Brooke”. That one defining characteristic becomes just as much an identity as your name. And there is a strange (usually self directed) pressure to fit into that label for as long as possible. Now this is not to say I didn’t love my “label” growing up; In fact, I still smile when my friends start an e-mail with “Dear little Brooke...” It made me feel special. I felt/feel like it was a part of who I was. But as you grow up, your body changes and you become less “little”. So now what? Now who are you? You are now “just Brooke”, and that can be terrifying. So you have a few choices. You can try to find another way to identify yourself. You can do some self discovery. But that can also be pretty terrifying, and if you have minimal self-esteem, it’s pretty hard to fill in that blank. I’m not the best at anything. I’m not “smart Brooke” or “athletic Brooke” or “popular Brooke” or any of those things. And that’s okay, because I never have been. But I have been the best at being “little”. So as humans, we tend to stick with the familiar and what we know we're good at. So you strive to go back to being “little Brooke” or “_____ (your name here)”. And if that doesn’t work, you fall into the trap of letting society label you. And you get angry and frustrated and you cry and cry, because no matter how hard you try, you can’t go back. And then it hits you like a bug on a windshield. This is what growing up is all about. It’s about redefining yourself and finding out who you really are, aside from the labels other people have given you. Much like ripping off a bandaid, it can hurt trying to remove old labels. And in that time when you are no longer “little Brooke”, but have also not quite found a new way to define yourself, you feel vulnerable, label-less, and naked. But what I am learning is that it’s actually (and surprisingly) okay to be “just Brooke” or “just (whoeveryouare)”. I’m learning to accept that my friends didn’t love me because I was “little”; they loved me because I was/am Brooke. And that in itself is amazing and beautiful and confusing and scary all at the same time.

 

10 Reasons why being a twenty-something is sometimes not the absolute worst!

I complain too much.
So here's a list of 10 reasons why being a twenty-something is sometimes not the absolute worst:

1. You set your own bedtime. For better or worse, you ultimately make that decision

2. You choose your own dinner. Again, this could be for better or worse. Example: Yesterday I had a yogurt and 4 chocolate chip cookies for dinner.

3. You can eat dinner on the couch, or the floor, or in your bed, or standing at the kitchen counter. In our apartment, whenever we order pizza, we have a habit of eating on the living room floor.

4. You can talk about inappropriate things without being scolded. Example: tonight there were 3 of us girls eating at the dinner table, when the dinner conversation turned into looking at nudies of Heather Morris. It happens.

5. You can watch shows like Pretty Little Liars and Celebrity Wife Swap with only a minimal amount of shame.

6. You still have relatively good fashion sense (even though you can’t afford anything). You've (hopefully) progressed past skanky, slutty, teenage trends, and have not yet hit mom-jeans and turtlenecks. You're right in the middle, with cardigans, blazers, and skinny jeans.

7. You can still be spontaneous without being considered irresponsible

8. You can blast your music as loud as you want and have dance parties by yourself, because I’m pretty sure that is the defining characteristic of being 23.

9. You probably hate your body, but it’s actually probably the hottest you’ll ever be. (booooo)

10. You can be as big or as little as you want in the world. You can blend in or you can stand out. You can follow happily, or you could lead boldly. You have some good life experience behind you and a lot of life lessons ahead of you.

 

All By Myself

In elementary school you make new best friends practically every day. You make new friends throughout middle school, and solidify friendships in high school. Then you pack up and leave for college, where everyone is on their own for the first time, and everyone is scared to some degree. This leads to instant bonding. Plus when you live in the dorms, you tend to get very close very fast. So for the first 21 years of your life, making friends is pretty much built in. And then you graduate. And you move to a new city. And everyone already has their friends from college, or high school, or church, or home. And you have TV. And a 10 pound weight gain. And a self esteem that’s plummeting faster than the sinking Titanic. You have a lot of things, actually. Like student loans up to your ears, parents with more exciting social schedules than you, and an increasingly loud biological clock. One thing you do not have is friends. You may have acquaintances who you work with or have class with. But you don’t have friends who you can call up on Friday night when you feel like staying in and watching a movie; or friends that you can show up at their house at random hours to vent about life. Example: last weekend my roommate was out of town. From the time I left class on Friday to the time she got home on Sunday night, I literally did not have contact with another human being. I did not open my mouth to speak words. No one called me. I didn’t have anyone to call. When you’re constantly hearing that your 20’s are the time of your life, and seeing your friends posting fun pictures all over the internet, and you’re sitting in your pajamas watching reruns of the Brady Bunch and blasting “All By Myself”…your ego tends to take a major hit. Lesson is, it’s really freaking hard to make friends as you get older because everyone already has friends. So if you are stupid brave enough to move to a new city, bring someone with you. Travel in pairs. Noah’s ark had it absolutely correct. Cause it tends to get lonely out there for a new grad.

Stayed tuned for my next post entitled "It snowed and I cried: A look into my Saturdays alone."

                                 Celine gets me, she really does...

Twenty Three

“Sometimes you’re 23 and standing in the kitchen of your house making breakfast and brewing coffee and listening to music that for some reason is really getting to your heart. You’re just standing there thinking about going to work and picking up your dry cleaning. And also more exciting things like books you’re reading and trips you plan on taking and relationships that are springing into existence. Or fading from your memory, which is far less exciting. And suddenly you just don’t feel at home in your skin or in your house and you just want home but “Mom’s” probably wouldn’t feel like home anymore either. There used to be the comfort of a number in your phone and ears that listened everyday and arms that were never for anyone else. But just to calm you down when you started feeling trapped in a five-minute period where nostalgia is too much and thoughts of this person you are feel foreign. When you realize that you’ll never be this young again but this is the first time you’ve ever been this old. When you can’t remember how you got from sixteen to here and all the same feel like sixteen is just as much of a stranger to you now. The song is over. The coffee’s done. You’re going to breathe in and out. You’re going to be fine in about five minutes.”           

This is every single thing I've been feeling, summed up perfectly in one quote. Breathe. This too shall pass.

Pediatric Oncology...It's all about the love.

Every time someone asks me what I want to do with my nursing career, I respond in the same way. “I want to work as a pediatric oncology nurse. I want to work with kids with cancer.” And every time I get the same response. “Wow. I could never do that. That’s going to be so hard!”

I have never once doubted that this field is going to be mentally and emotionally draining. But I’ve had a philosophy for a while, and I finally found a quote to back it. It says, “You cannot save people. You can just love them.”

This quote rings true in every single aspect of life, but especially in pediatric oncology. I may not be able to cure cancer or stop their health from getting worse. But I can love them and care for them through it all. I can’t go into work with the attitude that I can “fix” people, because I can’t. But I can make them smile and laugh. I can talk to them about their feelings and ask them about their interests. If I can make what time they do have left better, then I can be okay with that. These children have a team of doctors coming up with treatment plans for the future, and that is great. But these children don’t always have a tomorrow. They have a right now. And that’s my job- to make their right now happier.

So yes, it is going to be hard, and there are going to be days where I’m worn down by the sadness of it all. But to see a child who is fighting the battle of a lifetime crack a smile…that’s what makes it all worth it.

 

What's your Space Jam?

What's Your Space Jam?
A lesson from kid president:

The world needs you to stop being boring. Boring is easy. Everyone can be boring, but you’re gooder than that.
Life is not a game, people.
And if life is a game, aren’t we all on the same team? I mean, really, right. I’m on your team. Be on my team!
“Two roads diverged in the woods, and I took the one less traveled…and it hurt man! Really bad! Rocks! Thorns! And glass!" Not cool, Robert Frost.
But what if there really are two paths? I wanna be on the one that leads to awesome.
Like that dude from Journey said- “don’t stop believing…unless your dream is stupid. Then you should get a better dream.” I think that’s how it goes.
Get a better dream and then keep going. Keep going and going and going and going.
What if Michael Jordan had quit? Well, he did quit. Actually, he retired…but before that, in high school! What if he had quit when he didn’t make the team? He woulda never made Space Jam. And I love Space Jam.
What will be your Space Jam? What will you create that will make the world awesome?
Nothing if you keep sitting there! This is your time! This is my time! This is our time. We can make everyday better for each other. If we’re all on the same team, let’s start acting like it.
We got work to do. We can cry about it, or we can dance about it.
We were made to be awesome. Create something that will make the world awesome.