Praise You in This Storm (May 21, 2013)

This post was originally written back in May and yet was never published. I feel like now is an appropriate time to post, as we all could use a little reminder every once in a while.

May 21, 2013: This weekend, when I arrived at the HFH conference I was surprised to see our conference quarters for the weekend. When I hear conference, I assume hotel. I was very wrong. We stayed in cabins with 6 bunk beds, 12 girls in each cabin. We ate in a cabin that was divided into a serving area and a seating area. And we listened to talks in a covered pavilion. At first I was skeptical. I was not too pleased with the nagging mosquitoes that came out to dine as night came. I wasn’t super happy with the freezing temperatures at night. Mainly I wasn’t pleased with the fact that where I was spending a weekend did not match what I had expected in my mind.

Thursday night, the rains came, and by Friday we were in the midst of a full blown storm. We used umbrellas and ran through the muddy gravel to get from the cabins to the cafeteria to the pavilion. It was cold and wet and I was trying not to be discouraged. We all gathered into the pavilion as Constance, the head of the conference, got up to speak. Constance spoke these simple words that changed my whole outlook. She stated: “As the storm rages around us, remember that we are covered…” In the moment she was speaking about the actual storm blowing around us as we sat in the covered pavilion. But she also was talking about life in general.

It was a beautiful reminder that we are not guaranteed to always have sunny weather or a ideal circumstances in life. We may have disappointments and things may not be exactly as we expect. But when life throws us curve balls, and when the unexpected happens, we are covered. We are covered by Him. We are safe and protected even when life rages on around us.

I was also reminded of another invaluable lesson. If we trust Him, and wait out the storm, there is so much worth waiting for. Because on that Saturday, when the rain cleared, Tennessee was beautiful. The temperatures were much more mild, the bugs stayed at bay, and the sun was shining while we took turns on the tire swings and tetherball. It was a perfect day for a walk around downtown Franklin, and my heart was so full.

By the end of the weekend, what I had realized was that the conference, the location, the speakers, the friendships, were all more than I could have ever expected. What I learned was this: God’s plans were far greater than my plans and my expectations. And even when life feels chaotic and stormy, we are covered and we are safe. As long as we stick it out and trust Him through it, we sometimes end up coming out better and stronger on the other side.

Finding Beauty at the OB/GYN

The title is pretty straight forward and maybe a little bit shocking. Hang with me for another minute to see what I mean...(and yes, Dad, it's safe to read).

In nursing school you see many different views of the human body; inside, outside, dead, alive, old, young, and everything in between. But today I saw a completely different view than I’m used to. I saw beauty in imperfection. Let me explain…

I’m about a week into my maternity rotation, and to be completely honest, have not really loved anything about the birthday process in general. However, today was my first clinical day and I was in an OB/GYN clinic. My job was to give a few shots, observe a few exams, and hold a few babies. And I learned a lot from doing all of these things. But my greatest lesson came to me when I was least expecting it. There was a mother who had recently given birth to the most adorable twins. As she walked back into the office I noticed something different about her. Most of the women before her had been very hesitant when stepping onto the scale; however, this sweet mother happily stepped on the scale, and yet she never took her eyes off of her babies, sitting happily in the stroller. She didn’t care about the number; she cared about her two precious gifts. And in that moment I saw such a beauty in her. No, she didn’t have the “ideal” body (or what society has deemed “ideal”). Her eyes looked tired. Her shirt had a mysterious stain on the shoulder. Her stomach was soft and round. And yes, her eyes were tired, but they were also beautiful and full of love and pride as she showed off her babies to the whole office. Her shirt was stained probably from cuddling one of her sweet little ones. Her stomach was soft because it just housed 2 precious lives for 9 months. I have no doubt that this woman’s eyes will see tears and laughter as her babies grow. Her shirt will continue to get stained from spit up, arts and crafts, or school projects. Her arms will get strong from holding those growing babies, and her legs will get a work out chasing 2 toddlers around the house. And her heart will swell with pride, and grow more than she could ever have imagined.

Today I did not judge a less-than-perfect woman based on her appearance (as I so often do with myself). Today I saw the beauty in imperfection. So maybe I still don’t know exactly what a cervix feels like, or how to read an ultrasound. But I did see some very cool things today, and learned some very important lessons. And for that I am thankful.

 

I'm BACCCCKKKKK!

I’m ashamed at how long it’s been since I’ve last blogged. Between nursing school and working at the childrens hospital, most of the things I do with my day are protected by HIPAA, meaning I can’t share any fun stories with you! But to catch you up a little bit, here are the things I can share:

1. I finished my behavioral health rotation with an A!
2. I got a JOB at the local children’s hospital. I’m working on the pediatric oncology floor, which is exactly where I wanted to end up. I love my coworkers and my kids.
3. I went to Nashville, TN for the Hungry for Hope conference and it was life changing. I made some amazing friends and learned some great lessons.
4. I finished my adult health rotation, where I was on a gynecological oncology unit. I hated it.
5. I went to a crazy bachelorette weekend for my best friend. I don’t do crazy.
6. I turned 24. Yikes!
7. I got on an airplane and flew to Connecticut ALONE (which is huge for me!)
8. While in Connecticut, I went to my cousin’s wedding and we took a day trip to Mystic, CT and Watch Hill, RI. I want to move to Watch Hill. It was gorgeous beyond words.
9. We found Taylor Swift’s house in Watch Hill and mom made friends with the security guards. She’s never met a stranger, that mother of mine.
10. My best friend, Emily, got married and I got to do fun bridesmaids things all week. It was a beautiful wedding, but it was emotionally and physically exhausting.
11. I said goodbye to said best friend, as she left for Croatia for her honeymoon and then is moving to Tennessee. BOOOOO.
12. I drove to Florida with my roomie to visit our friend Katie.

And now on Saturday, I’M MOVING! I’ll still be in the same city; I’m just moving to a house closer to school and work. I’ll be the 4^th girl living in the house, so it should be fun. The whole street is owned by the school, so it’s all houses with students and people from my classes. I’m excited for this next chapter in my life, but I’m also nervous. First of all, I hate packing and unpacking and the physical act of moving. Second, I’m going to miss my current roomie. Linds and I have lived together for a total of 3 years now, and we’re very comfortable together. It will be different moving in with strangers and moving so far away from Lindsey. Third, I have never lived in a house with 3 other people before. That’s a lot of girls under one roof, so we will see how that goes.

Anyways, I’m going to try to get back to regular blogging once I get moved in and settled!

Hungry for Hope and Bachelorette weekend!

my birthday, Taylor Swift's sign outside of her house, and me and my cousin at a wedding!

pouting about Em moving, laying out in Florida, and me and Em at her wedding

End of the Semester

IS THERE ANYONE ALIVE OUT THERE?

Lilly

The friends you make your freshman year of college have the potential to shape your entire college experience. I was fortunate enough to make friends that shaped not only my college experience, but my life. There were 6 of us and we were inseparable. Sure we had our little fights, but we were 6 girls who moved away from home and lived, ate, drank, breathed, laughed, cried, and learned together. It’d be weird if we didn’t have our off moments. Moving away from home and leaving for college is a very big transition, and can be very overwhelming, especially alone. So the 6 of us bonded together and functioned as a unit throughout the year. By the end of spring, we knew things were going to change and we clung to everyday like it was special. Unfortunately the year ended, and as we packed up our rooms, we went out on one last adventure. A group of six 19 year olds went to Build-A-Bear and agonized over which bear we would stuff. We decided on a plain tan bear with little patches, we painstakingly picked out a nice outfit, and argued over a name. But most importantly, we gave our bear, Lilly, 6 hearts- one for each of us. And we decided that as we went our separate ways, Lilly would become the traveling bear who kept us all connected. The next year, 2 of the girls transferred to UNC, one left for Maryland, and the other 3 of us stayed at Elon. Sophomore year was rough on everyone. Lilly made her rounds, collecting letters and notes that were passed around to all of us to keep us all in touch in some way. By junior year, everyone but me had left for UNC. And while that was miserable for me, I think I realized that Lilly was not what was keeping us together. We had a friendship that could tolerate the distance, with or without a bear. And so Lilly stopped traveling and took up permanent residence with me. (However, she sometimes made appearances when we all got together). As we continued to grow up, our friendships evolved and changed. We became more than friends, we became a sisterhood. And I’d like to say that just like in the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants (which is what we were going for with the bear), each one of us fit a role, like the rebel or the nurturer. But truth is, we all step in whenever necessary. I only keep in touch with 3 of the girls now, but they are 3 of my absolute best friends. They have been there for some of the best and worst moments of my life, and they will continue to be a big part of my life. I am truly myself when I am with them. However, time marches on and we have all grown up. Lindsey will be moving out and moving in with her boyfriend and their new puppy. Kelsey will be moving to DC with her boyfriend. And Katie is in grad school in Florida. And I’m here. And sometimes I feel stuck. I feel like I’m standing still while everyone around me is moving so fast. And so on nights like tonight, when I feel stuck and alone, I grab Lilly. Yes, as a 23/almost 24 year old, I grab a stuffed bear. I grab her and I hold her and I remember that she has 6 hearts that represent a little piece of each of my best friends. And I’m reminded that no matter how much we grow or change, and no matter how much distance comes between us, these girls will always be my sisterhood. We will always be there, for the good and the bad. And although we may be apart, we will always find a way to stay with each other. So tonight, I am sitting in my bed with Lilly; and for tonight, as silly as this may seem, I don’t feel so alone.

PS- I’m the one who has Lilly because I’m the sentimental one. And if any of them read this, they would laugh and laugh and laugh about me posting about a bear. And yet they love me anyway J

"Can't Go Back Now"

"Yesterday, when you were young, everything you needed done was done for you. Now you do it on your own, but you find you're all alone. What can you do? You and me, walk on, walk on, walk on cause you can't go back now. You know there will be days when you're so tired that you can't take another step. The night will have no stars and you'll think you've gone as far as you will ever get. But you and me, walk on, walk on, walk on cause you can't go back now. And yeah, go where you want to go. Be what you want to be. If you ever turn around, you'll see me. I can't really say why everybody wishes they were somewhere else, but in the end, the only steps that matter are the ones you take all by yourself. And you and me walk on, walk on, walk on cause you can't go back now."

                                                                                                      -The Weepies

"______ Brooke"

Growing up, you are given labels by adults and people around you. As a child, you accept these labels and move on with your life. It’s not until you are older that you realize the weight these labels may have carried. When you’re a particularly small person growing up, your size is always pointed out to you, so much that sometimes your name actually becomes “little Brooke”. That one defining characteristic becomes just as much an identity as your name. And there is a strange (usually self directed) pressure to fit into that label for as long as possible. Now this is not to say I didn’t love my “label” growing up; In fact, I still smile when my friends start an e-mail with “Dear little Brooke...” It made me feel special. I felt/feel like it was a part of who I was. But as you grow up, your body changes and you become less “little”. So now what? Now who are you? You are now “just Brooke”, and that can be terrifying. So you have a few choices. You can try to find another way to identify yourself. You can do some self discovery. But that can also be pretty terrifying, and if you have minimal self-esteem, it’s pretty hard to fill in that blank. I’m not the best at anything. I’m not “smart Brooke” or “athletic Brooke” or “popular Brooke” or any of those things. And that’s okay, because I never have been. But I have been the best at being “little”. So as humans, we tend to stick with the familiar and what we know we're good at. So you strive to go back to being “little Brooke” or “_____ (your name here)”. And if that doesn’t work, you fall into the trap of letting society label you. And you get angry and frustrated and you cry and cry, because no matter how hard you try, you can’t go back. And then it hits you like a bug on a windshield. This is what growing up is all about. It’s about redefining yourself and finding out who you really are, aside from the labels other people have given you. Much like ripping off a bandaid, it can hurt trying to remove old labels. And in that time when you are no longer “little Brooke”, but have also not quite found a new way to define yourself, you feel vulnerable, label-less, and naked. But what I am learning is that it’s actually (and surprisingly) okay to be “just Brooke” or “just (whoeveryouare)”. I’m learning to accept that my friends didn’t love me because I was “little”; they loved me because I was/am Brooke. And that in itself is amazing and beautiful and confusing and scary all at the same time.