Dear brave, scared, beautiful you,
The you that has just begun the recovery journey as is still nervous to even consider the word “recovery”. Welcome to this rollercoaster of a journey.
First of all, what is recovery? To me recovery is not perfectly following a meal plan or showing up to every appointment with a smile and an Ensure. Recovery is not waking up and loving your body and not thinking twice before getting dressed. Recovery is honestly not even about the food at all. Sure, those are good goals and things to work towards, but let’s start small. To me recovery is about showing up. Showing up to appointments when you are tired and don’t want to feel or think or talk or listen. Showing up to the table, even if it’s to cry through a dinner or snack. Showing up for your life, because your eating disorder has taken so much life away from you, you might not even recognize what life you have left. Showing up for yourself. Because there are going to be many people along the way to cheer you on and push you in the direction of recovery. And ultimately you have to recover for you. Not your mom or your sister or your boyfriend or your therapist. You have to show up, hands open, willing for YOU. And if that isn’t one of the hardest parts, then I don’t know what is.
What does recovery look like? Feeling, healing, and “meal”ing. Recovery is not a straight line (which. Is the biggest bummer for those of us who like when things are black and white). There are days when you feel on top of the world and days when you feel like you’re in an endless pit of darkness. And sometimes these aren’t even days, but moments. I’ve heard that eventually it evens out and the emotions become a little less extreme. I’ll keep you updated.
What if I mess up? What if it’s not perfect? What if I disappoint everyone? Is it still okay to miss my ED?
Great questions! And when I work through the answers, I will let you know.
All I know for right now is that wherever you are is okay. My last (and most favorite) therapist helped me to realize that we all grow at our own pace. It’s not a race, it’s not a contest. It’s your life. And as long as you are moving, you are learning and growing.
So my best recovery advice? Let’s all be a little more like snails. Growing and moving at our own pace, going inside our shells when we get scared, but always coming back out and moving forward. Snails see the beauty in every inch and always come home to themselves. Those are my recovery goals, simple as that.
Couldn’t end my recovery letter without thanking Mara who hasn’t given up on me in 6 years. Karen who gave endless hugs. Liz and Erin who helped me to save my own life. Julianna who made sure I had a place to go and refused to give up on me. Mary Slate who always listened, even when I was being irrational. And Rachel. Who taught me so many things. But mainly that I am a person with a life that is worth saving and worth living. Who taught me the skills and stood beside me and cheered me on while I took steps to save my own damn life.
