On August 8th of this past year, I packed up my stuff, left my job, and entered residential treatment for the 3rd time. Third time's a charm, that's what they say.
2 more treatment centers, and 190-something days later, here I am. Still fighting every single day. Still showing up.
When I first started the process this time, back in August, I met some friends who have changed my life. There are lots of people like that on this journey and I wish I had time to go in to detail about all of them. I remember my 2nd day at Carolina House, the first time I heard A's mantra. "May you be happy, may you be healthy, may you be peaceful, may you be safe." She said this with her eyes shut and with such conviction. Granted, at this time we were lowering a mouse named Mr. Whiskers into a small dirt hole, but that's beside the point. Those words stuck with me. And I heard them repeated over and over again during my time in treatment. At first they were words for other people, for the frogs and spiders that had fallen victim to the house cat. But soon, I began to internalize them and wish them for myself. After all, isn't that what we all long for? To feel happy, healthy, peaceful, and safe. Isn't that honestly what this whole journey has been about for me?
Fast forward 7 months and I've found and am still seeking some of those things. I'm WAY happier than I was when this journey began. Physically, I am MUCH healthier than I was 7 months ago. I don't think I realized how truly sick I was at the time. As far as peace and safety, I am working on those. I'm working on feeling peaceful and safe in my own body. I'm working on trusting others to help me create safe space and internal peace. All of these things are continuous works in progress. No one is ever done searching for happiness, health, peace, or safety. I'm learning that it's all part of the process. I'm also learning to be thankful for the people along the way who have helped guide me to this place.
I'm thankful for the girls who first muttered this mantra. I'm thankful for the sweet spots and the mouse funerals and joy in the very ordinary moments.
So for this Eating Disorder Awareness week, I want to leave you with this:
May you be happy. May you be healthy. May you be peaceful. May you be safe. And May you find your tribe who helps you with all of these things.
I'm so thankful I did.
