26 Lessons

April 1^st. Every year, this date stands out in my mind, and it’s not because of some trick or practical joke. April 1^st, 2009 the world lost a bright soul; my sweet friend Milena won her battle with cancer. I think of Milena throughout the year at random times, and sometimes it makes me happy and sometimes it makes me sad.

I remember waking up that Wednesday morning and walking over to my friend Amanda’s dorm to put some final touches on our bible study plan for the night. We led a group of 5 girls every Wednesday night, and this night was to be no different-studying the Bible, giggling, junk food, and fellowship. We finished planning and I went on with my day. I remember I was having lunch with a friend when my phone rang. It was Amanda. I figured she was calling about bible study, and planned to call her back. But she kept calling. And as she kept calling, my frustration grew. I don’t remember a lot of that day, but I vividly remember the next words I heard as I answered the phone: “Brooke. I need to tell you something. (cue me expecting a lame April Fools prank. And how I wish it was all just a prank). Milena died. Her mom just called. She’s gone.” I’m assuming I hung up the phone. I’m assuming the rest of the people in the cafeteria kept eating and talking. I’m assuming the world kept spinning. But for me, in that moment, time stood still. This was no joke. Milena Alvarez died on April 1^st 2009 after a long battle with cancer. Milena was one of the freshman girls in the bible study I led. The world lost an amazing, sweet, hilarious, super sassy, fighter that day.

This year, Milena would have been 26 this year. So to honor her, here are 26 lessons I’ve learned from Milena and other amazing cancer warriors I have met throughout the past few years.

1.       Every day is a gift. The good and the bad days. They are all a gift.

2.       No one’s life is perfect, and there’s nothing you can do about it.

3.       You can’t save people, you can only love them.

4.       Accept life’s challenges as they come. Because they will come.

5.       Don’t spend too much time worrying about the future. We aren’t guaranteed a tomorrow.

6.       “Go ahead and pee your pants a little bit. I won’t judge.”

7.       It’s good to have friends who accept you for who you are.

8.       Sympathy only gets you so far. Strength gets you further.

9.       You don’t need hair to be beautiful. A bright smile is the most beautiful thing you can wear.

10.   “If we all threw our problems into a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d quickly grab ours back”.

11.   Sarcasm is an art form.

12.   It’s okay not to be okay. Sometimes we need our friends and family. Sometimes they need us.

13.   Everyone deals with life differently. There is no right or wrong way.

14.   Everyone comes into your life for a reason. To teach you a lesson, to bring you a smile.

15.   Live with great intention. Make every moment count.

16.   Rest. There’s nothing wrong with intentionally setting aside time for yourself.

17.   Every person has a story. And every story matters.

18.   Never take yourself too seriously.

19.   Life is not fair. That does not mean life is not good.

20.   Community matters.

21.   No matter how you feel, show up to life. Even if you show up in your pajamas. Participate.

22.   Your story, your illness, your circumstances are valid and important. But they do not define you.

23.   People who throw their head back as they laugh are some of the best people to be around.

24.   Cream cheese goes with everything.

25.   Sometimes making memories is more important than grades. Take breaks. Go to TCBY. It’s ok.

26.   With the right friends, you can get through anything.

I will never forget Milena’s laugh, the way she would throw her head back and laugh loudly. I will never forget her sarcasm and great sense of humor. I will never forget our bowling trips and Bible studies. And I can only hope to handle myself with the same grace, strength, and class when faced with difficult situations. So Milena, Hey girl, heyyyy! It was truly an honor and blessing to know you and be a part of your life. Rest in peace, Milena. You are missed. Gone, but never forgotten.

 

 

Becoming Real

“Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.'
'Does it hurt?' asked the Rabbit.
'Sometimes,' said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. 'When you are Real you don't mind being hurt.'
'Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,' he asked, 'or bit by bit?'
'It doesn't happen all at once,' said the Skin Horse. 'You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand.” 

One of my favorite passages from any book, ever, happens to be from The Velveteen Rabbit. I believe that this is such an incredible metaphor for how we are made and molded by God. In the beginning, the horse states that real is not how you are made, but rather a process that you have to go through. He explains that becoming real happens when you are truly and deeply loved and that it’s not always a pleasant experience. He even goes as far as saying that through the process of becoming real, “most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby.” I don’t know about you, but that doesn't sound too pleasant to me. And that is exactly what I am learning in this season of my life. God is working in me. It may not always be in ways that are comfortable or ideal and I often find myself questioning why God is choosing to show his love for me in ways that often make me feel broken. But I am realizing that I would rather “become real” and allow God to shape and mold me into the person He has created me to be, because all of the hardships and brokenness are just proof that God is working in me and is loving me throughout the process. So as hard as it may be, I would rather be worn down and broken and deeply loved than to be left in “perfect” condition, all alone.

The Cost

This summer I was given the following assignment:
            "Please write a letter to an adolescent girl who is struggling with body image concerns about the costs associated with pursuing the thin ideal..."
The assignment was daunting and overwhelming and I don't like writing off of  prompt. However, I was told to look at a picture of my younger self and think of what I wanted to say to her. Putting it into that perspective allowed the words to flow. In honor of #NEDAwareness week, I want to share the letter, for all of the young girls. And older women. And boys. And humans in general.

Dear little me- That feeling in the pit of your stomach and on the back of your neck when you're called on in class or asked to participate? That is anxiety. And you will face anxiety provoking situations for the rest of your life. The key is to participate in life anyways. You can't stand on the sidelines and wait for the feeling to pass, because avoidance only gives power to the anxiety. So dress up for spirit week, participate in field day, speak up. I know you don't like people looking at you and I know that you're very aware of your body. Body awareness is not always a bad thing-as long as your remember that you are more than your body. Appreciate your body for as long as you can. Be aware that you have a body and that it's capable of many things. You may grow up hearing "oh you're so tiny, so cute, so little". And you might be. But you are so much more than that.
You are a culmination of many things. You are made up of your memories and experiences, what makes you laugh and what makes you cry. You are made up of your favorite foods and the songs you like to sing and your plans for the future. You are the light that shines in your eyes when you get excited about something. You are made up of your favorite subject in school and your intelligence that helps you to understand these things. You are a child of Christ and you are made up of so many wonderful things.
There are also so many things that you are not. You are not your pants size, or the number on a scale, or the amount of money in your bank account. You are more than the number of friends you have or the sports you play.
I know this may sound very easy right now, but it does get harder. Appreciate your family for all they do for you, and understand and realize that they are not perfect, and neither are you. So as life throws you challenges, face them head on. But please. Hold yourself to a standard of grace, not perfection. Because there is no such thing as perfect and the pursuit of the unattainable comes at a high price. When trying to become "perfect", you may lose yourself and lose control. I know you may feel like you can handle it and like you have it all under control, and you might, for a little while. But in the pursuit of trying to become someone you're not, you will lose friends and time and happiness and money. And eventually the thing you so desire to control will end up controlling you.

Updates!

Holy Moly! Look who’s back! I have so many updates, I don’t even know where to begin. I’ll hit some of the highlights and try to update more consistently.

1. Graduation. After 2 years of nursing school boot camp, I’m finally graduating in 21 days! I honestly can’t believe everything I’ve been working so hard for is finally here. I’m so excited to be done, but there is a lot of stress that comes with graduation. First of all, I live in student housing, so I have 14 days after graduation to move. Second of all, there’s still the NCLEX to take. Third, I need to get a job. There’s also something very bittersweet about leaving nursing school and the friends I’ve made. We spend SO much time together studying and talking about gross things, we really bond and become like family. I’m sure we will all stay in touch, but it will just be different. And I really hate change.

2. Moving. As I mentioned above, I have to move shortly after graduation. AKA I have 35 days to find somewhere to live, sign a lease, and move. Luckily one of my best nursing school buddies is also looking for somewhere to live, so this week we’ve begun the house search together! I’ll be really excited once I know I won’t be homeless.

3. Precepting. I don’t think I’ve updated since I started precepting. For all of you who don’t quite know what precepting is, it’s basically an unpaid internship where you work with a nurse and gradually take over responsibility for her patients. For our program we have to complete 144 hours, or 12 12 hour shifts! At the beginning of the semester, we ranked where we wanted to specialize and precept. Luckily I got placed on pediatric oncology, which is where I already work as a tech, and ultimately where I want to get a job. The preceptor I got assigned, works nights, so I have been doing a lot of night shifts, and let me tell you, the adjustment is not easy…but that’s a whole other post. Anyways, I’ve done 10 shifts and have 2 more left. I’ll be precepting my last shift on Sunday night and have big plans to celebrate on Monday morning!

4. Interview. That’s right, my big Monday morning celebration is an interview! I got the call from HR yesterday that my nurse manager has reviewed my resume and wants to interview me for an RN position! I’m so excited. It would be for a new grad nursing position on the pediatric oncology floor, AKA my dream job. There are 7 people interviewing for the same position, so I’m really trying not to get my hopes up. It’s just so hard since I’ve worked there and precepted there. I’ve really gotten to know the patients and families and wonderful staff; I can’t imagine working anywhere else. So I’d appreciate any prayers/good vibes yall want to send my way on Monday morning around 8am (especially after working a 12 hour night shift!).

5. IOP. I don’t think I’ve updated since I started IOP, so the short and sweet version is that I began IOP in January and completed 8 weeks. I honestly could write a few blog posts about it, but right now it’s still kind of emotional and raw. But someday I will share with you what I learned and my experience.

6. CPR. OMG. I really need to dedicate a whole post to this, but I will give you a little teaser by telling you that I did CPR on an actual person for the first time and it was one of the most intense experiences of my life.

7. Miscellaneous/Other: I’m newly obsessed with Criminal Minds (I want to be Emily Prentiss). I actually researched job listings with the BAU because I’m that obsessed/slightly crazy. I’m also not physically fit enough to actually work for the FBI. I got my wisdom teeth out and greatly enjoyed my Valium. I went to a Demi Lovato concert and greatly enjoyed it, even though I’m 24. I registered for this years Hungry for Hope (the conference I went to in Nashville last summer), and I’m really excited to reunite with some friends and travel back to Nashville.



I think that pretty much covers it for now. But my creative juices are starting to flow again, so hopefully I will be updating more often. Plus, I teased yall and still need to elaborate and share more about night shift life, IOP, and my crazy CPR experience!

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

Snow Season

There are two ways to react to the snow, and your response often depends on your age. As a child, you wish for snow. You wear your pajamas inside out and backwards, you sleep with a spoon under your pillow, you follow through with every superstition possible to ensure at least a flake of snow to cancel school. Then you spend the entire snow day playing outside, scraping together a snowman, drinking hot chocolate, and having fun. A snow day for a child is the best.
 But once you get older and start having more responsibilities, you learn to hate the inconvenience of snow. Because when you are an adult, your responsibilities don’t depend on the weather. When you are an adult and it snows, things get rescheduled and your whole week becomes a jumbled mess. You quickly find out that life doesn't stop for snow; it just becomes more inconvenient.

This week, it’s supposed to snow. When I saw the forecast, I couldn’t help but grumble. I have classes, and information sessions, and doctors appointments, and study groups, and a test. I don’t want to have to reschedule everything. It actually put me in a really bad mood.

However, in the midst of my grumbling, I was provided with a reality slap in the face perspective shift. You see, one of my children (yes, that’s what I call the kids I work with) has been told he doesn’t have much time left. Right now he is home, and enjoying the time he has left with his family. Tonight his mom posted that she is excited that it might snow so that her sweet son can enjoy a final snow day.

Bring on the snow. I hope there’s enough snow for him to build a snowman bigger than himself. I hope he plays and builds things and laughs and smiles, until it is time to come inside for some hot cocoa and a nap. I hope that he has the best snow day, for him and for his family.

So yes, while I’m excited for spring time and warmer weather, for this week I am going to be content in the snow. For this week, I am reminded that joy can be found in every season.

TTB & V-Day team up!

Peanut butter and jelly. Macaroni and cheese. Mickey and Minnie. Some things are just meant to be together. Which is why I am so excited to announce the collaboration of Team True Beauty and V-Day! I’ve worked with Team True Beauty from the start and strongly believe in everything they stand for. This organization works to empower women from within. It encourages people to use their voices and believe in the power of their worth and purpose. Team True Beauty firmly believes that every woman has a story, and behind each story is the power and potential to make a great impact. Unfortunately and all too often, women are believing that they are worth nothing more than a number- a number on a scale, on a test, on a pair of jeans. However, Team True Beauty works to empower women and help them to remember that heart, passion, dreams and desires…that’s what matters, and that is what can help to change the world.

Now a little bit about V-Day. V-Day is a movement to end violence against women and girls all over the world. It promotes creative events to help increase awareness, as well as raise money, and encourage the general movement. The physical consequences of violence against women are terrible and extremely dangerous. However, the psychological consequences are just as bad. V-Day is working to help stop the cycle of violence and provide support through empowerment.

I am so excited for this collaboration and cannot wait to see what the future holds. Gloria Arroyo said: “The power of one, if fearless and focused, is formidable. But the power of many working together is better.”
 

Beautifully Broken

There are times in your life where you feel pulled in a million different directions by nothing in particular. There are times in your life where you feel broken. The dictionary defines “broken” as “being irregular, interrupted, or full of obstacles”. It can be hard to admit that you feel broken. To be honest, it’s hard to admit anytime you feel less than perfect. As humans, we have learned to protect ourselves and our pride by promoting ourselves as whole and together. But if you have lived, you have experienced some sense of brokenness. And yet in our society, broken is seen as bad, so we try our best to become whole again. We attempt to patch our holes and fill our cracks with quick and easy fixes, but these do not last, and eventually we break again. But what if we learn to become okay in our broken state? What if we were to stop striving to be perfect, and realize that we are broken people. We are broken and hole-y people, with a perfect and holy God. We can try to patch our own holes, but we will never succeed without the help of God. Easier said than done, I know. When you are in a situation where you are feeling broken, it’s so easy to go for the quick fix, and so often we think that we know what is best for ourselves. I am so guilty of this. But Psalm 147:3 says, “The Lord heals the broken hearted, and binds up their wounds”. So it’s really not my job to put myself back together. It’s my job to trust that God will make a beautiful mosaic out of my broken pieces, and to remember that we are never broken beyond repair. After all, isn’t a mosaic just a collection of broken pieces, put back together in a beautiful and imperfect arrangement?

Hello, my name is Brooke. And sometimes I feel broken.
 

My sweet friend, Jeanette, summed it up perfectly with this one picture.