Here I am, standing on the edge of a decade I wasn't even sure I was going to make it to at times. These past 30 years have been filled with ups and downs, highs and lows, laughter and tears. Perhaps more magnified in this past year.
I've learned a lot in my 20's. I've learned that some friends come into our lives for a season, to bring us laughter and joy and lessons. And just because it's only a season does not make it any less valuable. I've learned that feelings cannot hurt you, but the things you do to avoid feeling? That can hurt. I've learned that just because you have needs, that does not make you needy. I've learned that it was never about the weight. I've learned that a good book and puppy cuddles are just as good, if not better, than a night out. With that, I've learned that owning a dog is a lot of work and I wouldn't trade my sweetest girl for a million dollars.
I've also made some mistakes. I've eaten too little, stayed up too late, overslept, been selfish in relationships, and put myself aside for the sake of other people.
I've met some of the most beautiful, strong souls, and I've seen the ugly and bad and dark side of things. I've kept in touch with friends from elementary school and I've moved cities and started a new life.
In my 20's, I graduated undergrad, moved cities, got my CNA, got a job, graduated nursing school, passed the NCLEX, got my dream nursing job, got a dog, and bought a house. It's easy to forget how much you've accomplished or where you've come from when life comes so fast sometimes.
In my 30's, I want a family. Saying that out loud and putting that out there feels very vulnerable and scary, because what if it doesn't happen. But I can't change what my heart wants. So I want a family. And a house with a yard. And to pay off my car. And a second dog. And to travel. And to be okay with taking up space. And to feel joy more days than sorrow. And to laugh and feel sunshine and soak in the first days of fall and decorate the house for Christmas and visit friends in Arizona and Texas and Alaska. I want to eat more ice cream.
I want to be comfortable in my own skin. I want to make decisions for myself. I want to make my happiness a priority. I want to want recovery for myself instead of for everyone else.
In my 30's, I want to leave behind self doubt. I want to leave behind hopelessness and fear of the unknown. I want to leave the numbers behind. I want to leave behind the idea that I am not good enough. I want to leave behind the feeling of being too much and not enough all at the same time. I want to leave behind the feelings of unworthiness.
In my 20's a seed was planted. And in my late 20's that seed was buried in dirt. In my 30's, I want to bloom.
